UnNews:Oz residents charged in death of Wizard
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
24 March 2007
EMERALD CITY, OZ - Three residents of the Wonderful Land of Oz, also known as the Wonderful World of Oz, have been charged with murder in the grisly death of the Emerald City’s beloved Wizard.
“It was horrible,” Ozma, an eyewitness to the gory murder, told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. “The Scarecrow sent trained crows to peck the Wizard’s eyes out, the Cowardly Lion ripped his throat out, and the Tin Woodsman hacked repeatedly at his chest and neck with his axe. The sadistic killers left him in a bloody mess behind the curtain at which he stationed himself most of the day, giving helpful advice to his many visitors.”
Dorothy Gale, of Kansas, who had accompanied the alleged murderers along the Yellow Brick Road from Munchkinland to the Emerald City, was not with them during their alleged crime and has not been charged. However, she remains under investigation as “a person of interest,” Oz’s police confirmed.
The motives for the murder are unclear, but police believe that the trio were enraged at what they regarded as the Wizard’s “charlatanry.”
“The bastard promised me a brain,” the Scarecrow fumed, “but all he gave me was a diploma, and even it was just a blank sheet of rolled-up paper with a ribbon tied around the middle. How stupid did he think I am?”
His alleged conspirators were also disenchanted with the Wizard’s gifts to them, they admitted.
“The son of a bitch promised me a heart, but all he gave me was an alarm clock. Can you imagine my mortification at ringing and ticking all day long?”
“I was promised courage,” the Cowardly Lion complained, “but I was given a medal, and, if that weren’t bad enough, the con artist actually pinned the damned thing to my chest. The puncture marks are still there, and Glinda, the Good Bitch, says they could become infected.”
Although she says she can understand the alleged murderers’ disappointment at having been cheated by someone whom they’d trusted, their dissatisfaction is no reason for their having committed such a grisly murder, the Wicked Witch of the West said. “They threatened me, too, several times, even saying they’d throw water on me. Their companion, that little Kansas slut, even threatened to steal my broomstick. She’d already stolen my sister’s ruby slippers. I’d love to get my hands on her, and her little dog, Toto, too.”
The whereabouts of Gale are unknown, although the patchwork Girl said she believes she saw the Kansan flying west in a hot-air balloon.
If convicted of the charges, the Scarecrow could have the stuffing beaten out of him, the Cowardly Lion could be sentenced to life in the Emerald City Zoo without parole, and the Tin Woodsman could be showered until his joints rust.
The search for Gale continues. Police ask that anyone who has any knowledge of her whereabouts contact them immediately. However, under no circumstances, should she be approached, as she may be armed and dangerous.
The Flying Monkeys have offered a reward of 10,000 bananas for information that leads to her arrest.
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- Lotta Lies "If ever a wiz there was, he wasn't one of them, apparently" Instant News, 12 seconds ago (and counting)