UnNews:Osama bin Laden leaves Al-Qaeda to persue solo work
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
6 March 2007
JALALABAD, AFGHANISTAN -- An unmarked, black cassette tape arrived to the US Embassy in Saudi Arabia yesterday, containing a video manifesto from Osama bin Laden, who announced that he was “breaking up” with Al-Qaeda. Filmed in a non-descript location in the middle of what is presumed to be the Afghani desert, the video showed a visibly somber and wearied Osama, dressed in a traditional white turban and a Green Day hoodie rubbing his temples and saying that Al-Qaeda was “creatively tapped out” and that “it [had] been a great couple of years, but now it [was] time to let go.” Broadcast on CNN just hours later, the news took the world by storm. With its frontman now noticeably absent from the group, and bass guitarist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead, many feel that the group is effectively defunct and that even if the group survives it will have effectively “sold out.”
The now infamous terrorist organization was originally founded in 1988 as “Al-Qaeda and the Heartbreakers” by aforementioned frontman Osama bin Laden and his friend from high school, Abu Ayyub al-Masri and quickly rocketed to Number 2 on the Revolutionary Charts with their hit message “Death to America.” In 1991 the band shortened its name to just “Al-Qaeda” after a legal dispute with fellow terrorist leader\singer Tom Petty. The terrorist leader cited the terrorist group’s illustrious history, saying that “it’s been a great eighteen years, I mean really it has, but I think that as a group we have to know when to stop, lest we become another American infidel like Axl Rose or, Allah forbid, a group like Pink Floyd. But I think this [roving] band [of thugs] had done everything there is to do.”
Much of the jihadest world reacted to the news with sadness and lamentation, with many of its fans citing the group as “the biggest thing to hit the Muslim revolutionary world since the Iranian Revolution.” Their 2001 terror hit, The World Trade Center, has since gone double platinum and holds the record for highest grossing body count of any terror act to date, beating out even the1979 Munich Olympics (considered a classic staple of the genre.) Some of terrorism’s biggest fans have gone as far as to declare the movement “dead”, with one famous jihad critic saying that fundamentalist Islamic terrorist organizations had “gone the way of communist revolutionaries, fascist coups, and jazz.” Interestingly enough however, many of the group’s staunchest supporters support Osama’s departure. One unidentified Palestinian male who referred to himself as someone “who had been there since their debut in 1988” supported the exodus of the group’s frontman. When pressed for a comment, the young man told reporters that “the last thing I wanted was for Al-Qaeda to become some sort of no-talent sell out group. Any terror cell group knows when to let go. I mean just look at the Simpsons. They didn’t know when to just stop and now no one respects them.” He was unable to finish his interview as he was immediately tackled by Israeli soldiers who bashed his skull in with the butts of their guns.
In his video, bin Laden also cited the group’s newest recruits as instrumental to his departure, mentioning that “a lot of these new guys just have no clue how to run a good terror organization. I mean stuff like 9/11 and the Kenya Hotel bombings were basically just me, Zarqawi, and Masri and they came out great, but then you had these assholes like [Sulaiman] Abu Ghaith taking credit for shit that he had nothing to do with. They were sucking all the life out of the band. I remember actually taking one of their suggestions and having one of my videos aired on MTV, and I just looked at myself and went ‘Allah-akbar Osama, what have you done?’ No more man. Its over.”
Reaction to the shocking news of Osama’s departure has not been limited to Middle Eastern jihadis however. Earlier this morning the President Bush issued a press conference where he stated that Bin Laden “was a disgusting, low life, scum bag criminal" who has been instrumental to the dominance of the Bush administration and his absence from the group would be “sorely missed.” This took Bush and hour and half of stuttering to say, making it the longest speech he has ever made.
There is hope for the movement however. Many of Al-Qaeda’s key operatives have also left the organization and are planning on founding their own terrorist group, known as Velvet Kalashnikov. As of the time of this printing bin Laden has no plans to return to Al-Qaeda