UnNews:Obama to transform trip to Afghanistan into bestseller
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
2 May 2012
KABUL, Afghanistan – To research a novel that he is considering writing, “either in my spare time or full-time, if I am not reelected,” President Barack Obama visited Afghanistan in the wee hours of the morning. He ordered Air Farce One to be flown with all lights, both interior and exterior, turned off. Windows were closed.
The pilots relied upon dead reckoning, rather than using normal navigational equipment and techniques, and the presidential aircraft arrived at Bagram Airfield, in the pre-dawn, where it was met by Chinook helicopters, their rotors spinning to facilitate immediate takeoff once Obama and his entourage had boarded the rotary wing aircraft. The flight to Kabul was also conducted under blackout security conditions. On board, only the whites of Obama's eyes and his teeth were visible in the ambient light. Upon landing in Kabul, the president was whisked away in a motorcade guarded by Navy SEAL Team 6.
Following a stirring introduction by General John Allan, Obama spoke to 3,000 assembled troops, explaining to them why his reelection is of even greater importance than both Afghanistan and their own relatively insignificant existence. He also reminded the troops that “The battle's not yet over. Some of your buddies are going to get injured and some of your buddies may get killed and there's going to be heartbreak and pain and difficulty ahead.” He pleaded with the service members to resist the urge to urinate on any more of the enemy dead. “That's unseemly,” he declared.
The president's speech was followed by handshakes and politicking among the troops while members of his entourage took photographs and made notes that the president thought would be useful in writing his book, a tentative title for which, he told reporters, is All in a Day's Work: From the Oval Office to a Bagram Hangar.
“We got some great film footage, still photos, and copious notes,” Obama said of his mission, “and about 2,800 votes out of 3,000. Now, all I need is a ghost writer to turn the trip into a bestselling book with my name and picture on the cover alongside the American flag and maybe a camel. The big question, at this point, I think, is whether the camel should have one hump or two.”
Reportedly, the First Lady would be delighted to receive either alternative. “I haven't been humped since 2009,” she lamented.
If the book sells well—and the president is reelected—he plans a sequel, based upon his visit to either Iraq or Hawaii.