UnNews:Obama auditions as comedian
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
30 April 2012
WASHINGTON, DC -- Concerned that he will not win reelection in November, President Barack Obama auditioned for a possible new career as a stand-up comic during his recent appearance at his annual White House correspondents' dinner. His jokes, which, he said, he wrote himself, were generally received without applause and with arched eyebrows, frowns, or shakes of the head.
"It wasn't a performance that would inspire much confidence in him as a comedian," Wally Wood, a Hollywood talent scout who wishes to remain anonymous, declared. "I certainly couldn't recommend him, except, perhaps, as a replacement for David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, or some other late-night has-been."
"There were more moans and groans than there were laughs and more jeers than there were cheers," Wood observed. "Barry [Obama] is funnier by far as president than he's likely ever to be as a comedian."
Obama, billing himself as Barry, Unborn, a reference to his lack of a birth certificate, mocked the United States, the Constitution, Congress, the Supreme Court, and the American people.
Some of his one-liners included:
"If you're black, like me and my illegitimate son Trayvon Martin, the 'U' and the 'S' in 'U. S.' don't stand for 'us.'" The president went on to declare that "Rodney King, in standing up for his civil rights against those honkey pigs in L. A., is this nation's next Martin Luther King, Jr.."
He said he has "a better constitution" in his prolonged fights with the legislative and the judicial branches of the federal government than "that thing the so-called founding fathers wrote back in the day."
He noted that "Congress should make love, not laws, since screwing people, which is another meaning for 'congress,' is more accurate than what the members of the House and Senate do to the American people every day in the hallowed halls of the nation's capital."
"The Supreme Court needs to buy some law books," he quipped, "so they can learn the law the way [Abraham] Lincoln did--by actually reading some of the precedents and cases."
"I can't give any greater compliment to the American people than the one that is attributed to P. T. Barnum," the president concluded his routine, "'There's a sucker born every minute.'"
Wood said that the president's attempts at levity were not well received. "If he loses his bid for reelection, I don't know what he'll do," the talent scout declared, "but I know what he won't do: stand-up comedy."
Maybe, Wood suggested, there's a career for him in instructing politicians how to read a teleprompter to maximum effect.