UnNews:Nigeria does its best to keep Africa "the dark continent"
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
4 March 2007
LAGOS, NIGERIA - Despite its huge oil reserves, Nigeria is determined to keep Africa “the dark continent.”
As a result of the nation’s lack of electricity, its citizens live in darkness and filth, and must resort to Stone Age technology.
Under such circumstances, there is no way that the people can compete with the rest of the world, which angers some Nigerians. “The Asians and the Caucasians regard us Negroes as inferiors. It’s not hard to see why, when their great cities light up the nighttime sky and we must depend on kerosene lanterns and candles, despite the fact that we have more oil than any of their countries,” Marcus Eruaga whined. “It’s embarrassing.”
Almost as if the Industrial Revolution never touched the dark continent, Nigerians operate foot-pedaled sewing machines and use hand-manipulated abacuses to tally sales receipts and perform other accounting functions.
“Coming to our country is like stepping back to the days of the caveman,” Nigeria’s President Olusegun Obasanjo confessed. “Our inability to light our businesses, homes, and factories--what few there are--has made us the laughing stock not only of the whites and Asians, but also of our fellow Africans. While we are sitting around in the dark, hoping and praying that the lights will come on for a few hours, our neighbors in Benin, Niger, and Cameroon are enjoying a 24-hour lifestyle in which shops and stores, restaurants, theaters, and nightclubs are earning millions of dollars that our country could be taking in, were we not so backward.”
Nigerians, it is believed, are the modern-day descendants of Cain, the son of Adam and Eve, who killed his brother Abel and, as a result, was cursed by God to wander the earth. Cain’s people may finally have found rest, of a sort, in Nigeria, but they are still obviously under God’s curse, Obasanjo said. “We are backward, even for Africans; despite the riches we have in natural resources, we are too retarded to benefit from them. It would be better for us if we had remained the colonies of European imperialists. At least, under British, French, and Portuguese rule, we could eat, work, and have a semblance of life. Even as slaves on American plantations, our people lived better than I do, and I am this country’s president. On our own, we are lost.”
Some of the president’s countrymen disagree with him, perceiving electricity to be “something better left alone.” It angers the gods to use an energy form that they have set aside for themselves. “To want to use electricity is presumptuous and, as such, it will be punished,” Deji Medi told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. “Africa is the dark continent because the gods want it to be, and we Nigerians are doing our best to keep Africa that way, even if we must resort to sabotage and arson.”
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- Lotta Lies "Dark days" Instant News, 22 seconds ago