UnNews:New Sting Album Too Good For Anybody

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

20 June 2006

CORNHOLLE, England -- With his latest album, "Pallbearers and Pickpockets," a song collection of undeniably perfect refinement, balance and complexity, Sting has finally completed the process of winnowing his audience down to none.

Said one former fan, "The music, the lyrics, everything about the new album is so sublime that I simply don't have the emotional or intellectual capacity to hear it. I honestly don't deserve to listen to it. Nobody does."

Sting's drive to reduce his audience began with his departure from the multi-platinum selling pop group, The Police. As a solo artist, he immediately embarked on a quest to combine a variety of musical forms, including jazz, folk and world music, designed to consistently reduce his audience to its absolute minimum. While the music of The Police appealed to a wide socio-economic demographic, Sting's latest releases have only been fully appreciated by those with advanced college degrees, primarily in literature and music theory. Sting's last album, "The Archangel's Caliope," sold only 1,100 copies, mostly to Nobel laurates.

This reviewer admits to not having listened to the entire album, as the first few notes instantly transported me to a sleepy, windswept, 19th Century fishing village along the Spanish coast, and it took me nearly two weeks to get back home. But it's good. Too good for lowlifes like you and me, that's for sure.

Sources

• Buzz Wheatley "Sting Creates Perfection Beyond Comprehension" Billboard Magazine, June 20, 2006

• Wolfgang Mozart "New Sting Album Makes Us All Feel Thick and Stupid" Newsweek, June 20, 2006