UnNews:New Jersey man cut off by asshole
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
9 May 2011
TRENTON, New Jersey -- At 4:14 PM EST today, a 36-year-old New Jersey resident was cut off this afternoon in a Stop & Shop parking lot. While leaving in his 2003 Subaru Outback, an unconfirmed asshole pulled out in front of him, forcing him to brake hard.
"I couldn't believe I had to stop for that asshole," recalled Darryl Westbrooke. "Some people, they're just such [...] assholes." Darryl has lived in the Trenton area for 12 years, since graduating from the University of Kentucky. His housewife Laura discovered the news when talking to her husband after he returned home from work.
This particular instance may not be too unfamiliar. Among 50 people surveyed in Mercer County, 17 had responded "yes" when asked if they had been cut off while driving over the past month, 14 of whom described the offender as "an asshole." The issue has begun to draw national attention, as leading psychologists and demographers argue the cause of this rise in asshole-related traffic incidents. Steve Balmer at Princeton University thinks he has it figured out. "Lack of education, tied with the overall shittiness of the state, doubtlessly contributes to the unprecedented surge of road rage onset by assholes in the area." Balmer advises "not living in New Jersey" as a solution to lowering one's risk of encountering assholes on the road.
With its infamous history of harboring assholes, mishaps like Westbrooke's may even be influencing the population flow and economics of the Garden State. With a permanent community of 3.6 million registered assholes, families are deciding to avoid New Jersey as a home and vacation destination. This staggering number does not account for the predicted 2.9 unregistered assholes, douches and dicks that inhabit its many cities and towns. Mercer County alone is known for its high asshole-to-normal person ratio, about seven-to-one.
Mayor Tony F. Mack of Trenton is scheduled to speak at an exclusive press conference later this week. "I'll admit, the growing problem of assholes behind the wheel around here is pretty bad," Mack told The Times. He also had a word of advise for the ever-diminishing pool of tourists: "If a New Jersey-an flips you off when you're driving, don't worry. Odds are, one of you is just an asshole."
With a dim future ahead of our fellow New Jersey-ans, we can only hope for the best and prepare for the worst. The Age of Assholes may have only begun for America's cesspool of bottom-feeders.
