UnNews:NEC hooks Billy Mays zombie contract
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
1 November 2009
YOKOHAMA, Japan -- Japanese computer giant NEC has been contracted by Mighty Brand Infomercials in the US for a technological feat which will surely push the computation envelope.
Professor Yukio Sushimi of NEC spoke at a press conference at company headquarters here today, saying "What we mean to do is to simulate a living human being for purposes of televised programing. That is to say, it will require the massive resources of our ES computer to convincingly simulate a specific human being, in this case, Billy Mays. "
The superfast Earth Simulator computer is capable of 35.86 trillion (35,860,000,000,000) floating-point calculations per second, or 35.86 TFLOPS. It is not the most powerful machine in the world (although it was until September 29, 2004), but has the necessary memory to create an operable Billy Mays in real time, able to once again hawk new products.
The energy requirements per day equal that of a small city, much of this spent cooling the system. ES has been used to aid in the designs of the Bat fuck howitzer and the dog bark translator.
Lead scientist for the project Phineas Prehensile said, "It shouldn't be so difficult, he was such a two dimensional personality. Lots of yelling and gesticulation, that's about all there is to it."
The first invention pitched by resurrected virtual Billy Mays will be the doggie grabber, invented by Patrice Twogimlets of Dorset, England. Says Twogimlets,"It's a most practical device, certain to ease the life of a doggie owner."
"It'll make life more convenient, for you AND for your dog!!!", commented virtual Billy Mays.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Ransome Zardoz "Infomercial giant contracts for virtual Billy Mays" Scientific American, November 1, 2009