UnNews:Murder suspects released after informing police they have wrong men
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
28 January 2008
GLASGOW, Scotland -- Police today released two people previously suspected of murdering 22-year-old George Impey last November. The names and ages of the suspects are confidential, as they are both minors.
15-year-old Michael Lehan and 14-year-old Terry Scott were taken into custody and questioned for over three minutes. The officer in charge of the case, Ian Bradley, commented: "In the end, we just had to release them. They said they didn't do it, and they were quite convincing. They both seem like nice young chaps and all."
Another officer involved with the case butted-in, saying: "I couldn't believe it either. None of us can figure out how their DNA and fingerprints got on the murder weapons when they say they didn't do it. We're all totally flabbergasted."
"Yeah, we just told them we didnae dae it" commented one of the youths after being released. "They started off tellin' us tha' we done it an' all like, but we told 'em they must have the wrong people or summat, but. Then they asked us how our fingerprints got all over the crime scene if we didnae dae it! I mean c'mon man, are they no' supposed to be the detectives?"
At present, police have no idea how to reconcile the discrepancy. Previous DNA, fingerprint and blood analysis of both the crime scene and the murder weapon, as well as the location at which the body was disposed of, all seemed to suggest that the suspects were somehow involved in the murder, although police now know this not to be the case.
Police also have a videotape apparently showing the suspects both standing over the victim's body, commenting: "Look what we've done. We're glad we killed the bastard" before giving their names, postal addresses and favourite horror films.
Police are now looking for two "highly intelligent criminal master-minds" who are able to impersonate both the appearances and voices of the suspects, as well as having sufficient knowledge to enable them to plant DNA and other forensic evidence whilst entirely covering their own. "Whoever did this has outsmarted us every step of the way so far, but it'll not be long before we catch up" commented Officer Bradley, now in hospital after trying to fix a toaster with a fork while it was still plugged in.
An official spokesperson of the family issued a comment on the suspects' release, saying: "We're very disappointed. We put our trust and faith into the police to catch what's-his-name's murderer-slash-murderers, and instead they waste their time on two young lads who say they're innocent. It's most disappointing."
When asked for an official statement on the release, a spokesperson for Scotland Yard commented: "What?"
