UnNews:Mr. Krabs tax returns released
Saturday, October 3, 2020
BIKINI BOTTOM -- The much fabled tax returns of Krusty Krab tycoon Eugene H. Krabs, which he has vowed to never release ("Ya ain't gettin' yer hands on me taxes!"), have been leaked to The New York Times. The dates range from 2000 to 2017 when he became President of the Bikini Bottom Entrepreneurs Club.
In the lengthy exposé, published Sunday, The Times reveals that Krabs paid a paltry $750 in taxes both in 2016 and 2017, and zero dollars for the prior years, despite the Krusty Krab's purported billion-dollar fortune.
Krabs's business rival, Chum Bucket founder Sheldon Plankton, and his computer wife Karen paid $3,742,974 in taxes, despite the fact that his restaurant has never once made a profit. "Our income came from book deals," Plankton says.
Just days after The New York Times bombshell, Plankton released his 2020 taxes, which show that he paid $944,737 in taxable income last year and paid $299,346, or a 31% tax rate, in federal income taxes.
Krabs defeated Hillary Squidton in 2016 to become President of the Entrepreneur's Club, in a stunning upset. Krabs is up for reelection; Plankton is running against him.
"Krabs is a lifelong swindler," says Plankton. "Eugene and I used to be in business together, and that cheapskate stiffed me like a Walmart employee! I could've told you that Krabs once paid $70,000 to style his hair, back when he had any. You didn't need to read it in The Times. For crying out loud, we're talking about somebody who ties a string to a quarter to get soda from the vending machine!"
"Yer tellin' me fake news, boy!" he barked. "I got plenty more of me money in audit. Even so, I ain't givin' ya me taxes. Yer more likely to get yer grubby hands on me [Krabby Patty secret] formuler! Ga ga ga!"
- Russ Buettner, Susanne Craig and Mike McIntire "The President’s Taxes: Long-concealed Records Show Trump’s Chronic Losses And Years Of Tax Avoidance" New York Times, September 27, 2020
- Christina Wilkie "Joe Biden releases 2019 tax returns ahead of presidential debate" CNBC, September 29, 2020