UnNews:Monkey Teresa Gives Comfort, Feces To Orphans

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

1 June 2006

Come closer, my children

By Special Education Correspondent Wild Weasel

UnNews, Washington D.C. Bureau – With a wry smile and a twinkle in her eye, Monkey Teresa gently pats a wrinkled hand atop the head of a local orphan. The child squeals with delight, though the squeals of delight turn into shrieks of terror as the orangutan nun smears a generous amount of her own feces across the child’s face with her other hand.

But succoring the needy and then daubing them with pungent monkey shit is all in a day’s job for Monkey Teresa.

The nun, head of the only Simian Nunnery in North America, Our Sister of Sacred Simian, has devoted her entire life to the poor and unfortunate after seeing the 1978 Clint Eastwood film, Any Which Way But Loose. When questioned how watching an orangutan get drunk and beat the shit out of bikers could lead her to a life of caring for the downtrodden, Monkey Teresa sat down beside me, kissed my ear and pulled my shirt over my head.

Some local civic leaders have openly questioned if a bunch of monkeys and great apes dressed like nuns are capable of assisting the poor. One such leader, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, disagreed with the notion that Monkey Teresa devotes much of her time to running three D.C. soup kitchens.

“The president one time and one time only met Monkey Teresa. I know you guys have a picture of the president with Monkey Teresa, but the president meets a lot of people. And monkeys – monkeys who are nuns. Next question.”

~ Tony Snow on what President Bush said

When informed of Snow’s comments, Teresa rolled her eyes, grabbed my microphone, and began licking casually, crushing it in her powerful jaws.

But serving soup and smudging poo in the hair of orphans only addresses the symptoms of poverty, not poverty itself, contends Community College of North Vagina professor Dave Lister.

“I think the world’s gone mad, having a monkey giving smegging soup to the homeless. Where’s me cat?” Lister then put on some slobby clothes, hopped on his motorcycle and disappeared down an access corridor like a complete gimboy.

What does the future hold for Monkey Teresa? If Any Which Way But Loose and its 1983 sequel Any Which Way You Can are any indicator, it will involve beer, punching bikers in the face and tearing apart automobiles.

This has been Special Education Correspondent Wild Weasel for UnNews, reminding you that I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. No I still haven’t found, what I’m looking for…

Sources

• Fyodor Dostoevsky "Notes From Underground" Crushed Spirit Press ltd., 1864