UnNews:Mississippi resident 'couldn't care less!'
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
22 January 2011
BRANDON, Mississippi -- A retired bicycle tire repairman man, identified by WikiLeaks as Brandon resident, Ralph Golmolski, said he 'couldn't care less' on three separate occasions during the 18th of Jan. 2011.
The first occasion reported by the media was when two well-dressed gentlemen representing the 7th Day Adventists religious denomination approached Golmolski. As soon as the men started to speak, Golmolski told them bluntly, "I couldn't care less!" Both men were shocked at such rude response and left immediately.
A second occasion that day was when Golmolski received an email informing him that he is the beneficiary of a billion dollars in Nigeria. On this occasion Golmolski also uttered the phrase when he clicked reply and typed in the message, "I couldn't care less!" - which he then posted.
The third occasion occurred in the evening when authorities informed Golmolski that his mother in law residing in Roswell, New Mexico had been abducted and consumed by aliens. At that time he told federal agents, "I couldn't care less!"
This is the first time in the history of Mississippi that a former bicycle tire repair man from Brandon has uttered the phrase, "I couldn't case less!" on three separate occasions in one day.
According to local piezobiologists - a sub-species of bi-polar shrinks - the response by Golmolski on the three occasions possibly points to traumas suffered when he was an infant, or perhaps later, as recently as today. The chances are also high that he was never subjected to child abuse.
When Brandon Mayor, Linda Doorman, was asked about the matter she shrugged and pointed out that there is no US State or Federal law that prohibits an American from not caring less.
Joe Smith, president of the Brandon chapter of the Care Bear Society told the media, "Listen! Read my lips: 'I couldn't care less’, either. And I can't believe that such a pointless and unimportant news item would be reported in the first place!” Smith suggested, “Perhaps the liberal media has stooped to a new low.”
