UnNews:Military allows fat slobs to become soldiers

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 October 2006

A new soldier (left) at a Canadian military recruiting centre.

OTTAWA, Ontario (CP) - The Canadian military has dropped the physical fitness test as of October 1st. What this means is that unfit, morbidly obese Canadians can now join the military. The military now has new guidelines for hiring soldiers.

In the past men under 35 were required to do 19 situps and pushups, run 2.4 km in less than 10 minutes, and do 75 kg in a grip test. The new guidelines are much more lenient, rather than run 2.4 km, new recruits are only required to walk 2.4 metres and they can take as much time as they want. The only other requirements are that they are able to hold and aim a weapon.

Asked if the Canadian military is dropping the fitness requirements because of desperation to attract new troops in order to fight terrorists in Afghanistan, General Rick Hillier had this to say "We are in no way allowing this to become a shortcut on training. Once troops enlist in the forces we have a responsibility to make them fit even if they don't come to this that way". Hillier later went on to explain that the armed forces are offering to pay for liposuction for anyone who wants to join. The most important quaility in new recruits, according to Hillier, is not physical fitness but a willingness to kill as many of those ragheads over there as physically possible. "As long as they can use a rifle and want to kill as many of those al Queda bastards as they can see, they are welcome on our team" Hillier was quoted as saying.

There are currently 2,300 soldiers serving in Afghanistan, with the new policy changes, army officials remain hopeful that a million new recruits can be sent to Afghanistan. "Because overweight and unfit Canadians make up over 90% of the population, we feel that these new policies are allowing the military to better represent the make-up of the Canadian public." The fact that Canada can now send 500 times more soldiers to Afghanistan than they are now was also attractive to Hillier. With these new policies Hillier hopes the Canadian military will have enough manpower to defeat the forces of evil in Afghanistan.

Sources

• Fat Bastard "Fatties allowed in the army" Obesity Weekly, October 26, 2006