UnNews:Microsoft unveals New gaming system
22 February 2010
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates has just announced the grand reveal of the new "Microsoft SexBox", the newest and most high tech gaming/porn system. Gates worked in coalition with Chinese President Mao "the" Dong to create the SexBox, and both of them are excited to see how it will perform on the market. "It's better than having 1,000,000,000 factory workers, and I would know", Dong commented. Marketing analysts predict that that SexBox will be the greatest things to hit the public market since sex was mass produced as prostitution and OnlyFans. O.J. Simpson was one of the beta testers, and his only comments were: "Man, this shit is great! I can stab people in the neck repeatedly in these games, and not even have to go to court" before cathcing sight of a police officer and sprinting away from our reporter. Gates says that the system will retail for around $599.99 before tax, dues, and bi-daily Microsoft service subscription fees. Porn downloads will cost around $44.50 a piece, making this an absolute steal for all those who don't know that it's already free. Gates explanation for pricing was simple: "Just look what that Pokey-man company is doing, selling games for $60, $90? Come on, we've got to appeal to the masses here! Subscriptions will get the same amount of money for us in the long run, but up front it will cost so much less!" Dong countered the American version's price with an offer for the "China version" of the SexBox, which will retail for about $5.99, but will be made of string cheese, asbestos, and used feminine products, and will only be capable of outputting a 480p 30hz signal.
When asked what sort of capabilities the SexBox will have, Gates only smiled, and told reporters that they would just have to think about what their husbands or wives did for them past 10pm, and "double that!" With this very ambiguous claim to its potential, we are left wondering just what exactly the SexBox can do. New game developer, PronBuh Games, is the only company known to be making new games for the console, and they have stated they will be able to release approximately 50 "games" per day. The quotation marks were included in their statement.
When asking Dong, he only took a brief moment from beating a rebellious factory worker for a few seconds to tell us what it would do "for the great nation of the People's Almost Republic of China Under Dong." Some of his staff explained later that what he meant was that Americans should buy the cheaper version if they cannot afford the $599 one, but either way they will be buying it directly from China. Taking a tour of the factory, we saw many smiling faces constructing the amazing new consoles under the watchful eyes of very friendly looking guards wielding guns. The factory manager tells us that this is to prevent attackers who might want to steal the schematics.
So, will you be buying the all new SexBox? The UnNews take: we don't know. Jimmy from HR has been with our testing model in the closet for over an hour now and none of us have gotten the chance to- HEY! Jimmy! What is that mess all over your pants, and- did you FUCK the SexBox?
UnNews update: BUY! BUY! BUY!