UnNews:Man killed by elephant he was trying to poach

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26 August 2013

Dumbino has become a symbol of animal protection worldwide.

NAIROBI, Kenya -- A man named Imgahna Kilit got more than he bargained for yesterday as he trespassed on the grounds of the Kenyan National Park and was killed by the very beast he was trying to poach for its ivory. The event was witnessed by park rangers who were in the vicinity and rushed to the scene. According to Captain Kahrma Zabi'tch, the poacher fired at least 3 shotgun blasts at a huge tusker, before the beast finally took notice, turned its massive body around and swung its trunk in a defensive gesture.

"That was quite a sight," said the Captain. "We were scrambling to intervene, but I think it's fair to say the beast beat us to it. The poacher's goal was the elephant's tusks, but it's reasonable to assume he did not want to see them as close as he did while the elephant was alive. It was very difficult to get him out of the impaled position he was in, but at least Dumbino [the elephant's name, reporter's note] was quite cooperative in letting us get that nuisance off his left tusk."

The bloody remains of the man were scraped off the glorious animal while the rangers were feeding the beast with juicy palm leaves and coconut-flavored muffins to quell its nervousness. Lieutenant Heehad Itkoming said:

"We did treat Mr. Elephant well, now he had small holes from shotgun on his side. It's nothing, Dumbino will recuperate, fast. He's a good elephant! While I was taking bad man off his tusk, I measured it. 6 feet and 4 inches! That is impressive, that is probably taller than the poacher! Now we had the sad task to repatriate the man's corpse to his family. What a waste! I bet the Park's scavengers would have had a fine meal", the man added with a loving smile.

The beast's exploits were echoed by the President of Kenya, who stated that Dumbino is "a fine example of nature trying to survive in a troubled modern era" and that "calling the poacher a piece of elephant shit is an insult to elephant shit."

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