UnNews:Man eaten by lion in Kenya after watching cartoon

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

14 July 2007

A real-life lion. Not so cuddly, is he?

NAIROBI, Kenya- An American national was killed today when he agitated a lion in the wilderness just outside Nairobi, the Kenyan capital.

Witnesses on a British safari, who were observing the pride of which the killer lion was a part, say that the victim, twenty-three-year-old David James, a student at the City University of New York, appeared suddenly from the brush. He approached the lion in question and began to dance by stepping in place and moving his arms from side to side. The witnesses also say the man began singing (in a high, cracking, and completely annoying voice) the song to "Kenya," a popular internet cartoon found on weebls-stuff.com.

"Poor man never got through the second part of the song," one of the witnesses told reporters. "He went, 'We got lions and tigerrrrrs only in Ke-' before the lion pounced on him and chomped into him. Actually, if the lions hadn't been there, I might have gone over there and beaten him up myself. My GOD his voice was annoying! Stupid Americans."

James' last words, which he yelled just before his head was ripped off, were, "I should've gone to Norway!!!"

Friends of James' in New York describe the student as quiet and polite, but completely gullible. They say the cartoon was all he had discussed for the past couple of weeks since first watching it on YouTube. They say he left on a plane Wednesday for the African country.

"David was such a good person," said friend Jimmy Holland. "However, he just had a difficult time discerning between reality and fiction, so he never figured out that jumping in front of a hungry lion and dancing like a fool is just one of those things you never do."

"This is awful!" said Kenyan Interior Minister Michael Imperotu. "The reputations of our lions are hurt! Worse than that, how do you think the poor giraffe and zebra feel about this? This man completely ignored them and hurt their feelings! Stupid Americans!"

The lion was unavailable for comment, as wildlife officials immediately killed it for doing too good a job at scaring stupid people.

Sources

• Dan Harris "A Funny View on Reality" Stupid American Press, March 23, 2000

• Larry Kendel "The World: Kenya's Pissing Ground" African Press, April 30, 1981