UnNews:Limbo closes, millions homeless

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

1 May 2007

Pope Benedict XVI, shown throwing the opening pitch of the Vatican City baseball season.

VATICAN CITY - The Roman Catholic Church, God's One True Church™, has given up on unbaptized babies and buried the concept of limbo.

In a long-awaited document, the Church's Historical Revision Commission said limbo reflected an "...unduly empathetic view of salvation."

The 41-page document appeared in Mad Magazine, the publishing service of the U.S.-based Catholic News Service, which is part of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, which is a part of the International Conference of Catholic Bishops, which is a part of the Galactic Conference of Catholic Bishops.

Pope Benedict, himself a top theologian who before being inducted to the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame in 2005 expressed doubts about limbo, authorized the publication of the document, called 'No Hope of Salvation for Infants Who Die Without Being Baptised'. It sounds classier in Latin.

Mabel Klumpminski, unbaptized, confused on where she will end up if, God forbid, she dies in her sleep.

Limbo, which comes from the Latin word meaning "border" or "to slide under a low bar", was considered by theologians to be a state or place reserved for the unbaptized dead, including good people who had the misfortune to die before the coming of Christ. Limbo became a part of church vernacular after it was discovered that people afflicted with empathy felt bad that innocent babies and good pagans who had the misfortune die before the birth of Jesus didn't go to Heaven.

"Sure, for ages we've been teaching that limbo is a fact. What you fail to realize is that 'fact' is a maleable word. Unlike the Word of God, which can only be interpreted one way, 'facts' can be changed. Yesterday it was a 'fact' that unbaptized babies go to limbo, today it isn't." said the head of the Roman Catholic Church to the back of his hand after taking a big hit off his Pope-bong.

"What the Pope means is that limbo is not now, nor has it ever been a part of Catholic doctrine. We never just pull 'facts' out of our pious asses simply to salve the consciences of our followers." said the humorously named Cardinal Cardinal, rephrasing the Pope's infallible words for the laity. "We follow His word and only His word. Just try to find 'limbo' in the Bible. Go ahead, I can wait."

So what happens to unbaptized babies now?

"Hell." said the Pontiff, after pontificating for a moment, "Fuck 'em."

Sources

• Peltier Montrose "Pope spills coconut drink, cancels limbo Where will all the unbaptised go?]" The Pilot, May 1, 2007