UnNews:Leaky Helium Collider produces children's album
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
21 September 2008
Tunnel, Europeland Scientists were confronted by concerned stockholders today as the true design of the LHC revealed itself - a party tunnel for scientists worldwide. Initial reports of the device opening a wormhole to 'oz' turned out to be based on conjecture.
Members of the press, upon hearing high-pitched giggling, crept cautiously into the inner sanctum of the LHC to find scientists slumped over high-pressure canisters of helium- clearly the aftermath of a successful geek party. Upon further probing, we learned that in the past week many of the scientists and workers at the LHC have been taking advantage of the relative isolation of the site and it's abundant supply of party chemicals such as helium. A great silliness has ensued.
Scientists already charged up from the great success of the "LHC rap" have taken their work in a new direction. "We are determined to make money off of this thing." LHC investment brokers explained to a mob forming outside, "Don't let the fact that we've barricaded ourselves in here with a megaphone convince you otherwise. We are going to release a 'squirrels'-style album in time for Christmas, which will broaden our current understanding of the universe."
Some scientists on site retorted in oddly high-pitched voices to "Follow follow follow follow follow the yellow brick road" when confronted with the dollar value of their chemical habit. "We're all going to die, " squeaked a pocket-calculator repairman "after all this work this is our right. Just give us this one indulgence - two months worth of helium is a reasonable demand."