UnNews:Las Vegas: it's OK for police to cop a feel

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

25 June 2012

He won't miss the badge, but he will miss the “perks” that the color of office brought him as a former police officer, John Kingsley Norman admits.

SIN CITY LAS VEGAS, NV – Authorities have indicated that it is okay to grope female motorists (sort of), as long as the groper is a member of the Las Vegas Municipal Police Department.

The squirrely decision results from Patrolman John Kingsley Norman's special arrangement plea bargain, in which the disgraced officer promised “not to grope anyone else's breasts, unless they're appended to my wife.” His wife said that Norman need not bother “groping” her, either. “After what he did, he can keep his filthy hands to himself,” she declared.

The charges stem from not one, but two, encounters that Norman had with female drivers. In one case, he actually “copped a feel,” whereas, in the other incident, he merely “induced” the female motorist to “expose her breast.” In both incidents, Norman himself remained fully dressed, which added the charge of “oppression under the color of office,” also known as “lewdness while in uniform.”

“He brought disgrace to the badge,” Police Chief Joseph Chronister agreed. “He crossed the thin blue line. He should have had the common sense to have stopped a woman in a dark alley somewhere, rather than downtown, on The Strip.” ( “The Strip” is the unofficial, local name for the stretch of Las Vegas Boulevard along which some of the world's most famous—and now, infamous—hotel-casinos are located.) “Anyone that stupid doesn't belong on the force.”

For fondling the female victim motorist's breast, Norman was originally charged with having committed felony sexual assault and battery, but since he was a police officer at the time, he was allowed to cop a special plea with the prosecutor's office, and the charges were reduced to “misdemeanor lewdness and oppression under color of office,” offenses punishable by probation and registry as a sex offender, which, authorities claim, “could adversely affect his chances for a date on Saturday night.”

Norman said that, although he faces punishment, public disgrace, and has to sleep on the couch for the next two years, “It's all good.” Both motorists, he said, have “beautiful bosoms”; otherwise, he “wouldn't have asked to see one chick's tit and wouldn't have felt up the other bitch's boob.”