UnNews:Justin Timberlake breaks his back in concert

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 September 2007

PORTLAND, ME-- It started out as a good day for young Charline Fournier of Buxton, Maine. Her dog had come home, her abusive father had left, and she had tickets to the local Justin Timberlake concert. Little did she know that tragedy would, indeed, strike.

Timberlake's painful moment captured via some slutty teenager's cell iPhone. This photo appeared on the Internet seconds before the medics arrived onstage, which just goes to show that you can't get help in time in an emergency.

"In the middle of Summer Love, he just kind of stopped," the sixteen-year-old Fournier tearfully exclaimed. "He seized up, like rigor mortis or something, and yelled some curse word I've only ever hear Pa say. Then a gurney came onstage and dragged him off."

This account matches up quite well with the stage manager's own account. "According to our handy onstage medics, Timberlake's mad freaking skills got the better of him. As he did a rapid pelvic thrust forward, his tailbone just came loose of the rest of his back and, well, you saw the picture."

Fournier sniffed. "If I had known about this tragedy before, I could have caught him. Yes, the shock and post-injury stress might have killed him, but I know he would have just loved dying in my arms. Better me than that slut, Emily Thibideau."

Current medic reports say that Timberlake is doing well, no permanent damage has been done, and he will be able to walk again in six weeks. No freaking for Justin, though. "Man, I wish I hadn't been wearing that dang bling-belt," Timberlake stated. "Dawg, that thing is heavy. I guess the momentum of my junk and bling just kind of brought my sexy back down."

Sources

• Boonsey Jones "He's breaking a sexy back" Hickleberry Press, September 03, 2007