UnNews:Judge Almost Accidentally Gives Chris Brown Civilian Sentance
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 August 2009
A judge in Los Angeles was left red-faced and forced to apologise tonight, after it was confirmed that he almost gave woman-beater Chris Brown a civilian sentence after not realising the singer was indeed classed as a celebrity.
”Obviously I’m embarrassed”, the judge said in a statement, “I am not very musical myself, but as soon as I found out he was a successful musical-artist, I of course cancelled the custodial sentence and gave him a more suitable celebrity course of treatment. I’ve apologised to Chris and he’s taken it in good humour – I think that shows the measure of the man.”
Though not the normal civilian custodial someone would get for whacking their girlfriends head against a car door, Brown’s sentence does include Community Labour, something the judge said couldn’t be avoided:
”My hands are tied really - if Chris had continually punched the face of a civilian, I could have just given him a wink, a pat on the back and told him not to be a naughty boy; but unfortunately Rihanna is a celebrity herself, albeit female, so I had to be seen to be doing something, I just hope it doesn’t inconvenience Chris too much.
Officials have been quick to make clear that Brown’s Community Labour will not be the easy option. Brown will be forced to contribute to kids in the community by spending 180 days in a recording studio working on his next album. The kids will then receive inspiration and entertainment by downloading the new music from itunes for the nominal fee of their standard prices.
Brown, suitably contrite, commented ”I know I did wrong, and that’s why I took five minutes out of my busy schedule to post a video on my website apologising for my actions. I’d like to have thought that was my debt repaid. Unfortunately I am being forced to spend 179 days more than required recording my next album. I’d like people to reflect on who the real victim is here.”