UnNews:John Kerry confirmed as new Secretary of State

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30 January 2013

During a break in confirmation hearings, Kerry is advised by former Senate colleague Barney Franks.

Washington D.C., USA -- The nomination of Senator John Kerry as the Obama administration's next Secretary of State encountered little resistance in Senate confirmation hearings, with the former presidential candidate receiving a vote of 94-3 in favor.

Kerry, built in the same iGovern politi-bot plant as Mitt Romney, using the same parts, had been expected to get full Republican support, as the company has long been a heavy contributor to the Republican Party. But in a joint statement, the three who voted no explained, "This was not a vote against iGovern Inc, an all-American company that shares our family values. It was against the socialist malware that was installed on Kerry back in the 60's by democratic operatives, and which has never been fully eradicated despite numerous updates and elections."

Hillary Clinton, the outgoing Secretary of State, expressed confidence that Kerry would be ably suited to assume the top diplomatic post in U.S. Government.

"I have no problem at all saying that John Kerry is going to be a much more effective Secretary than I ever was. I'm not in competition with him, no human could be. Especially male humans. His tongue can vibrate at Mach 3."

In undated photo, Clinton discovers that Kerry-bots tongue can vibrate at Mach 3.

Democratic party robotics consultant Rube Pinguid agreed. "Unlike Mrs. Clinton, Kerry doesn't require sleep. He can also recharge with a standard USB cable at any computer, and from any public Wi-Fi hotspot can be updated with up to the minute White House policy positions. Compare that with Hillary. As much as we all love her, let's face it, she's just an old lady."

Pinguid added that due to the high threat profile of his new posting, John Kerry has been fully refurbished and equipped with the latest military grade offensive and defensive hardware. "The in-coming Secretary is now completely bullet and blast proof, his eyes can emit microwave lasers, and if required, he can also kill with his bare hands, which have been augmented and can now grip and squeeze harder than a T-Rex's jaws."

Asked if there was any danger that a malfunctioning Kerry could run amok at a diplomatic gathering and kill scores of world leaders, Hillary Clinton chuckled. "The only time world leaders have been in any danger from a U.S. government official was when I was going through menopause."

Pinguid also downplayed the dangers. "There are numerous redundant fail safe systems in place that would ensure something like that could never happen. But in an absolute worst case scenario, simply shouting the phrase 'Klaatu barada nikto' will cause Kerry to immediately disengage, deploy his foot rockets and fly back to Washington."

Senator Kerry is expected to be sworn in this Friday.

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