UnNews:Jobs' health is a trade secret

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19 January 2011

A promising strategy is a tin suit such as the one Iron Man wore. This would let Mr. Jobs continue to work on spreadsheets and PowerPoint presentations after his internal organs fail.

CUPERTINO, California -- The chronic reticence of Apple Computer chief executive Steve Jobs to disclose his past medical problems is making it hard to gauge his current health.

The lack of detail is causing concern. Morris Greeley, executive publisher of UnNews, said "We have column-inches to fill, and Jobs has a balky liver. Let's put two and two together--The people have a right to know!"

Investors also want more details, given that Apple is worth a trillion dollars with Mr. Jobs running the show, and always drops in value to nearly nothing when there's a hint that he will be replaced by some schmuck in a suit and tie.

Mr. Jobs had his pancreas removed in 2004, and his liver came out in 2009. Both organs were replaced by microprocessors, reportedly quad-core Intel jobbies. It would be a major scandal to the company he heads if they are running Windows right now.

Since the transplant, Jobs has been absent from recent Apple events. Mr. Greeley commented, "We all know what that meant in the case of the North Korean dictator," though none of the Kims were ever invited to an Apple press event. If Mr. Jobs' replacement organs are displaying the Blue Screen of Death, or refusing to update his Registry, it could spell trouble, or even call for a reboot.

However, publisher Greeley is optimistic as, under President Obama's new Patient Protection and Health Affordability Act, Mr. Jobs' medical records will eventually be sent to Washington. "I'm sure someone will leak them," says Mr. Greeley. "All I'll have to do is offer a little favorable press coverage."