UnNews:Jessica Enis suffers pregnancy injury

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

10 January 2014

For many young Britons, Ennis offered the first opportunity to masturbate over a picture featuring the Union Jack.

Jessica Ennis, Britain's Olympic gold medalist in heptathlon or pentathlon or something, has suffered yet another injury setback - this time falling pregnant.

It means that she will miss the Commonwealth Games, which are held every four years to make dark people feel nostalgic about the British Empire, while at the same time giving them the chance to stick it to the old Mother Country.

Ennis picked up the knock during a private session with her husband Andy Hill - notorious for his unorthodox training methods involving dirty talk, foreplay, and unprotected sex. Experts have pointed out that if he was a footballer, such behaviour would have resulted in at least a three-match ban.

"This really is the injury that all female athletes fear," Doctor Joanna Corey told us. "If you think about it, the worst injury for a male sportsman is a broken leg, or cruciate ligament damage, which can put you out for 6 months or so. With pregnancy, it's a much more serious thing: we're talking up to 9 months on the sidelines, and potentially serious damage to the genitals and breasts.

"When was the last time you heard that said about Leo Messi?"

Sources

• Leverage, "Jessica Ennis-Hill pregnant and to miss Commonwealth Games" Guardian, January 10, 2014