UnNews:Japan launches first "anal" probe

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

14 September 2007

"no, it ... doesn't hurt ... a ... bit."

JAPAN has successfully launched its first anal probe on a mission to explore the deepest regions of the human colon. A rocket carrying the probe was blasted up and into the anus of willing volunteer Hiro Kajaramadamaling, who has suffered from crippling piles since childhood.

Speaking before the probe was fired up his ass Hiro, though nervous, was looking forward to moving forward research into the anus, "I hope we can open doors to the ass that have previously been firmly shut to us. I look forward to seeing some high definition images of my sphincter"

"Who knows, maybe we might find that hamster I lost up there last year, hopefully alive and well."

Over the course of a decade, the anal probe will gather data on Hiro's ass in an attempt to discover the origin and evolution of this oft misunderstood region of the human body. It is even hoped that a cure for piles may be discovered. Japanese scientists say it is the most complex anal exploration mission since American scientists stuck wooden spoons up volunteers posteriors in 1965.

"We successfully launched the rocket up Hiro's ass," said Eriko Sunada, a spokeswoman for the Japan Anal Exploration Agency (Jaxa) said, "it did apparently sting a bit but the probe is now deeply up his ass and we are now gathering some great data on, amongst other things, his bum grapes.".

The three-tonne anal probe has been nicknamed "Nobby", after the classic and much loved comic character immortalised in UK publication Viz ("Nobby's Piles"). Nobby will orbit Hiro's ass, travelling the 380,000km (237,500 miles) up his colon, gathering valuable data on, as well as his piles, fart gasses and poo smells.

There the main unit and two smaller anal probes will be positioned 100km (60 miles) into the digestive tract of the hapless volunteer where data will be collected over the next decade.

Jaxa has been trying to expand its activities and is aiming to perfect a "shrink ray" and achieve manned bottom exploration "within ten years".

Sources

• BBC "HE DON'T LIKE IT UP HIM!" OUCH!, September 14, 2007