UnNews:Is Nitrogen-Cooked Steak The Solution to Summer Woes?
A local company thinks it is.
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
17 April 2014
Worcestor, MA -- Worcestor-based NuGrille today announced a line of nitrogen enhanced cooking devices, available immediately in Sears and Home Depot stores throughout the northern states. We talked to Vladimir Fernsmak, founder and chief inventor of NuGrille, to find out what they are and why he thinks you need one.
UnNews
Dr. Fernsmak, why will people want to buy your grills? What's special about them?
Fernsmak: "Vell, Ms -- uh, vhat ist your name?"
UN Stephanie Barnbindle, from Radio UnNews.
Fernsmak: Ya. Mizz Barnbindle, vhat do you tink da most big problem fecing da Vorld dis sommer ist?
UN Uh, oh, well, the war in Europe, I guess. Or maybe the collapse of the northern ocean ecosystems. Or the imminent breakup of the Moon. Or maybe that the sun's dying, or that the Indian Ocean's turned stagnant and stinky because of all the oil spills, or maybe that fire in California that's got half of LA evacuated, or --"
Fernsmak No! Nein! Nyet! None of dose are piffle. Joe Harry the suburbiner doesn't care about any uf dat. Der biggest problem in da sommer ist alvays da same: Burnt stake!
UN Burnt steak?
Fernsmak: Ya! Burnt stake! It springt ist, da vetter ist varm, und da virst ting evrybody does, ist to get out da grill. And da second ting dey does, ist dey poots a stake on da grille. Und da tird ting dey does, ist dey goes off and sits in one of dose lawn chair tings wid a bier an' a Sudoku. Und the fourth ting dey does, ist see dat dare stake ist burning. Every year. Dat ist der biggest problem mit springt und sommer. Every year, mitout fale! Und vee haf solved dis problem!
UN How have you solved it? Are you banning beer? Or sudoku?
Fernsmak: Nein, don't be shtupid. Ve making someting people vill like not someting dey vill hate.
UN Yes, Dr. Fernsmak? What is it?
Fernsmak: Nitrogen injected grills!
[Long pause.]
UN Uh, what's a nitrogen injected grill?
Fernsmak: Answer me dis: Vhy do stakes burn?
UN Uh, cause they get too hot?
Fernsmak: Wrong! Not even piffle! Heat has hardly nothing to do mit it! Dey burn because dere ist air. So ve gonna get rid uf da air!
UN Won't people mind if you get rid of the air?
Fernsmak: Don't be shtupid. Ve only gonna get rid uf da air inside da grille. Obviously. [Dr. Fernsmak laughs.] Da nitrogen injected grille ist a grille, mit a cover, und a tank of nitrogen. Und you poot da stake on da grill, und you close da cover, und you turn on da nitrogen, und voila! No more burned stake!
UN Uh ... why not?
Fernsmak: Because da grille ist filled mit nitrogen! Leef your stake dere for an hour, on high, doesn't matter, it won't burn, cause to burn it must have air!
UN But won't the charcoal go out, without air?
Fernsmak: Dat's vhat de oxygen tank ist for! You poot da oxygen in da bottom of da grille, und da nitrogen in da top of da grille, und da charcoal burns, und da stake doesn't. Und ist perfect, und evrybody vill vant one. Tell your listeners to contact their broker now, and it's NuGrille, N-U-G-R-I-L-L-E.
UN Did you say you have some other products to announce?
Fernsmak: Ya ya ya! Ve haf alzo da nitrogen injected krokpot!
UN But stuff in a crockpot doesn't burn anyway. Why do you need nitrogen for it?
Fernsmak: But ya! But ya, shtuff in da krokpot burns black, noire, schwarz, if you just only forget it a teensy bit, eight nine ten hours over, maybe, and bam, dinner is smoke. But not mit da nitrogen krokpot, leave it dere tree days, no problem, it won't burn!
UN That's very impressive, Dr. Fernsmak. Things won't burn no matter what you do! How incredible!
Fernsmak: Vell I didn't say no matter vhat you do. If you totally womping shtupid and poot waaaay too much heat on shtuff, it might burn just a teensy bit. But ve half a solution for dat, too!
UN Yes, Dr. Fernsmak? What's that?
Fernsmak: For dee kook who burn evryting, even burn vater (ha ha, ist little bitty joke), ve introducing da freon injected grille!
UN Uh ... freon?
Fernsmak: Ya, ya, freon! Freon stop fire, dead! Nothing burn in freon, nothing!
UN Can you breathe freon?
Fernsmak: No, no, breathe not so good. So not use in kitchen, unless you not like da kook, ha ha. Use outside, den ist hokey-dokey.
UN Dr. Fernsmak, can you tell me why you named your company NuGrille? It sounds like you're selling naked grills.
Fernsmak: Nu grille? Like in French? Nein, nein, nicht, not! Not naked, nuclear!
UN Nuclear? Nuclear grills? But nitrogen doesn't make them nuclear ... does it?
[Dr. Fernsmak laughs.]
Fernsmak: Nein, nein. Nuclear grille different product. Very very good grilles, never need charcoal, never need to light it, and can kook whole cow in tree second flat. But after Fukushima, approval got stalled, so ve selling nitrogen grilles now instead.
NuGrille is planning on selling their line of no-burn grills through Walmart, Home Depot, and other home supply stores. They are targeting northern United States suburbs with their initial offerings, since 3/4 of all grills sold on Earth in a year are sold to suburban households in the northern United States in the months of April and May.
Their freon models are expected to sport large red warning stickers, since using one indoors would probably kill the cook as well as most of the guests.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ The dude with the long handled spatula is well known to the local fire marshal. And by the way, there really is a grill in there somewhere.