UnNews:Iranians looking for 'John Thomas'
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
24 March 2007
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TEHRAN, Iran -- Iranian Naval forces captured 15 UK sailors in the Persian Gulf today in an effort to find their John Thomas. Spokesmen from FART, the official Iranian news agency, said the move was caused by a definite provocation on the part of the British sailors.
"The sailors kept telling our people that their John Thomas was bigger than our John Thomas. This caused a lot of problems for us," the agency said in an exclusive UnNews interview. "First of all, 'John Thomas' is not a Farsi name. We have no-one by this name. We've been looking for our John Thomas, but we haven't found him yet. We don't know what they are talking about."
Apparently, the confusion did not stop here. "We decided the best thing to do was find this John Thomas fellow from the British side and see how big he really is. We're going to capture all of their sailors in small groups until we meet this John Thomas."
The British sailors had a different reaction. "They're sick bastards!" claimed one naval officer. "I don't drop my trousers for nobody but the missus. They'll have to bugger off somewhere else!"
After extensive research, however, UnNews believes we have found the actual cause of the entire incident. According to a UK sailor who wished to remain anonymous, "They wanted to see John Thomas so I showed him to them. The problem was, when I unzipped he went over the side of the boat and into international waters. I guess they took this as crossing their border illegally. I can't say I blame them, really. They're either really insane or incredibly jealous. Maybe both..."
Iranian government officials were firm. One prominent cleric was quoted as saying, "Let me state this clearly. We have searched every male in our country. We simply do not have a John Thomas."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- BBC "Seized sailors 'taken to Tehran'" BBC News, Saturday, 24 March 2007