UnNews:House Considers Cop Smelling Weed Law
Tuesday, May 9, 2023
Littlesas, Arkanrock US Lawmakers are considering a bill which would expand the rights, powers, and most importantly funding, of officers on the beat who happen to encounter dank stanks while on patrol which they believe are linked to the notorious fugitive and drug queenpin at large known as Mary Jane. This bill, if it makes it through the house, passed the living room, checks the couch cushions for nugs, then out the back door to the patio for a little sesh 🤙 in congress, would allow p'issofficers the right to "do anything they feel like" simply because they detect the scent of a natural plant that allows users to realize how stupid their job is.
The terse legalese of the bill has been hard to decipher, but sources close to the source have sourced, "anything is permissable, anything, you feel compelled to do, up to and including wanton miscarriage of justice. Murder? Go for it chief. You can take their stuff and sell it, you can rummage through their things like a little dildo, you can cuff em and stuff em if need be. Here's a grenade launcher.". This bill would allow the sole deciding factor for whether or not a private citizen has the right to exist, would be some jagoff who got bullied too much in middleschool smells something that smells like weed. Near you.
Advocates for the bill are calling for a return to law and order, for too long cops who smell weed would have to jump through legal loopholes and niceguy whatchamajigs such as "talking to the perp", with this new law however, officers who's life and liberty might be threatened by chilled-out stoner-junkies seated in the back-lot of a shopping center at 4:20 in the afternoon, will have the entire military might at their disposal to crush the scourge, the dreaded blight ravishing our (oftentimes literally, disproportionally) poor youth!
"The pungeant odour of the female marihuana flower is unmistakeable", police chief Lee 'Leigh' Dingiss of Littlesas told reporters on Mundey. Or I guess today's Toosdey. Idk man, Ayo, pass that shit 🤏🚬💨*cough cough*😮💨😮💨 "Smelling is the easy part, what happens next is what makes my stomach turn... (in a good way)"
It is a well known fact that all cops have a highly evolved sense of smell using their snouts, which in addition to allowing them to locate their main source of nutrition, the mighty Donut, has aided in the capture of at least one suspect in a crime, probably (unfortunately, locating their own biological father is still an open case).
Critics of the bill have raised issues such as what if the officer in question mistakes the smell of a skunk, industrial solvent, or a fart for the smell of Buddha-leaf? Advocates have responded by placing critics in indefinite detention at an unknown blacksite. No trial date has yet been arraigned.