UnNews:Horoscopes 9th November

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Tuesday, November 10, 2020

On the other hand, Svalbard might be fun

Week starting November 9 2020[edit]

Your birthday this week: Scorpio! Scorpios are fun-loving, outgoing and a pain in my life. The foolish remaining few who have always loved and forgiven you will be considerate enough to wait until after your birthday to finally give up and disown you, so at least there's that. Try to avoid going full villain, though. Nobody will care about that either.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - Choose this day who you will serve - the devil or the Lord. God damn it. Whom. Whom you will serve. Well fuck. Now I've ruined it. With my fucking grammar fail. Just, decide to serve whatever spitirual "whom" strikes your fancy, I guess. I've already fucked your horoscope up this week. I'll do gooder next week. I mean better! Damn it, I hate English.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - An important piece of information arrives this week that may convince you to rush off to Svalbard. But I don't know. That's a little bit hardscrabble, all in all. But the information will be convincing, so I leave that up to you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - Love is your second language this week. And the fact that you can barely put together a coherent love sentence is actually kind of cute. Love conjugation is complicated, of course - who can keep track of cases, gender and number, for crying out loud? - but I think you'll be understood. At least make sure you learn the word for dick, and the difference between the subjective and accusative cases.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Give a little, take a little this week. But don't send me your net earnings report. This column is for entertainment purposes only.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - All this dank weed shows up this week, but fuuuck, what are you gonna make into a bong? Don't use the ancient lute on the wall, dude. Seriously. That was a special gift from your aunt, and she's been the coolest. Don't you have an old... fuckin... garlic press or some shit? No I have no idea how to make a bong out of a garlic press. I'm just trying to help your ass out here.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - I know I told you "nice hat" in the past, but horoscopes are ephemeral at best, if they're at all accurate. What I'm saying is, not that hat. Get that shit off your head. My stars.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - Find meaning and solace in a random die roll this week.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - Litigate your losses at your own peril this week. Actually, you know what? Don't. Give it up. You lost. Nobody cares, and you look like a complete loser douche bag fuck face orange turd. Wait, sorry. Not you, the orange two-faced piece of shit on Pennsylvania Avenue next to you, who probably isn't reading this. If you reading this are not our asshole president, you're fine. The person that likes you likes you back, or something. That you like, I mean. Shit, I can't wait for January 20.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Pay very close attention to quantum fluctuations within the spectral anomaly in the Pleiades cluster this week. Unless I'm still writing horoscopes for all you 2020 clowns. It's hard to keep track when you're an expert time manipulator such as myself. Don't mean to brag. What era are you again? If you are a 2020 Cancer, I apologize and I promise things will work themselves out. Except that the Republicans do manage to wipe out your species within two decades. You didn't hear it from me, but this horoscope is for the descendants of your era's roaches. Which, if that is you - I'm serious. Those spectral anomaly fluctuations will make all the difference for you this week. Watch your exoskeleton for irregularities.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Find serenity this week. Even if you have to murder your family for it. Oh. Sorry. I didn't mean that. I've been distracted. Find serentiy in... the recent release of the new Watch Dogs. That will work too.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - The continued success of pandemic football - despite the lack of actual fans - will confound NFL ownership, so stay away from the stadium even after Biden's task force ends the pandemic for good this week. They have already seen that a lack of stadium receipts doesn't preclude their ability to present the product on broadcast media, not to mention their ability to pay thier handsome millionaires on the field. So bottom line - keep your subscription to Sling. Pretty soon it will only cost $5 to see a game live. Whatever you do, don't tell them our plan.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - The Soviets retain possession of your soul, and they don't even really exist anymore. You should not have signed that agreement with Andropov. Not that you could have fought the rise of Gorbachov by any means, but... Oh wait. You're 27? So you have no fucking clue what I'm talking about. Hm. Go to a history lecture. Or a seance.