UnNews:Horoscopes - November 4th

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

It might seem like everyone in this picture is stressed, but in fact they are all checking each other out. That Asian guy is checking you out. Nice tits.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The weekend goes badly. You throw a bukkake party, but nobody comes.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - It dawns on you that as long as you look stressed and unhappy while you do it, you can check out as many girls as you want, and they won't suspect anything. Purse those lips, sigh, frown, and eye up dem titties.(See right.)

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You fart during your job interview, but you manage to convince the panel that it was the sound of someone in the next office tearing duct tape off the wall.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - There are plenty more fish in the sea, as your dad always says. Well, he used to say that, before that whole BP/Louisiana oil spill thing.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Did you know the French have a word - sillage [1] - for the trail of perfumed air a woman leaves behind her as she walks away? What you have is like the Dark Side version.

Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You get another rejection letter from a publisher regarding your series of books about David Sleuth, an adolescent detective who cannot stop masturbating.

Taurus (April 20 - May 21) - A friend posts a video on your wall saying, "This reminds me of you" but when you click on it, it says YouTube removed it for violating its decency standards.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) -You laugh in the face of death, but then you also laugh at Adam Sandler movies. You are just very easily amused.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - The only way you can get through hearing Katy Perry's Roar another time at the gym, is pretending that the word is her euphemism for breaking wind.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Stage one: Hear about a sub-genre of porn that sounds disgusting. Stage two: Check it out, out of morbid curiosity. Stage three: Find yourself inexplicably drawn back to videos despite initial revulsion. Stage four: Exhaust your fave site's catalogue of said genre. Stage five: Cause breakup with partner over insistence on recreating videos. And round and round we goooooooooooooo.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You discover that a water-damaged iPhone can dry out when placed in rice. Then you discover it doesn't work with egg fried rice from the local Chinese takeaway.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your friend takes you to a vegetarian restaurant tomorrow and you have a Tofu Hot Dog. If you want to remember what it tastes like, just burp any time in the following 5 days.