UnNews:Horoscopes - 16th April
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your new career as a psychic is seriously undermined when your friends manage to throw you a surprise birthday party.
Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You're all about the bass, bout the bass, no treble. Which is why you get fired from your sound technician job.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You can learn a lot from walking a mile in another man's shoes. Like people can run surprisingly fast in bowling shoes when they find out you have stolen their Nikes.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You're the kind of guy who pulls his USB stick out of the computer without ejecting it first but hey, your wife knew she was getting with a wildchild when she married you.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You went on a Christian retreat as a school child, and it appears you have been retreating from Christianity ever since.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - An extremely embarrassing moment on Tuesday evening when your mother catches you masturbating. But don't blame yourself - you had no way of knowing she'd be in the adult picture house too.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - On Wednesday you get mixed up and spray yourself under the arms with your shaving foam instead of your deodorant. Weirdly, it leaves you feeling fresh-smelling and confident throughout the day.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- You were dismayed by the recent massacre at a Kenyan college. What are these people thinking? I mean, whoever heard of a religion being spread around the world by threats and violence?
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You can't decide what you love most about your new Apple Watch (pictured) - whether it's the fact you have to keep your forearm raised in a super-comfortable position in front of your face, or the fun that can be had mimicking the action of winding and unwinding a watch which is still on your wrist.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your boss will explain why an online banking model isn't applicable to a sperm bank.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Another day, another dollar. Which makes you wonder if you might be underpaid.
Aries (March 20 - April 19) - On the plus side, you are asked to star in a porn film this week. On the down side, the title is a pun on Gone in 60 Seconds.