UnNews:Hooligans Complain of Unfair Treatment

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

9 June 2006

English football fans proudly worshipping their chosen deity.

GELSENKIRCHEN, Germany -- The United Federation of Hooligans issued a statement today that they will no longer tolerate being singled out for prejudicial treatment at the World Cup. The Hooligans complained that they were being unfairly targeted and unable to participate in such traditional football activities as throwing vomit on opposition fans, throwing urine, setting deadly fires, shouting racist obscenities, and conducting general punch-ups with anyone within striking distance.

"I'ain't fair, thas whuh it ain't!" babbled Hooligans President, Sean Grimp. "Whus fooball w'out gettin wif me mates 'n havin a bit of a go, ay? Taik'n o'la fuckn fun outta th' sport, thas what they done!"

World Cup officials responded with a that they would love for their security forces to mix it up with the Hooligans, put a steel-toed boot in their nuts and pound the living shit out of them, but they're trying to project a positive public image these days. As a result, Hooligans are being quietly singled out and beaten in private.

The English and Irish make up the vast majority of Hooligans, but the Irish blow at football.

"Vee feel zat der Hooligans giff us great exercise as vee schtomp zem," noted World Cup security Chief, Otto Erotika. "Zay are like mindless puppets vee can beat until vee are tired. But vee obviously can't do zat in public."

In response to the increased security focus, many Hooligans stayed home from the Cup, gorged themselves on crisps and threw piss on the wife and children. However, down-hearted, long-time Hooligan, Michael Gorner, commented, "Nah, it just ain't the same."

Sources

• Percy Blythe Shelley "Hooligans Claim to Be People, Too" London Times, June 3, 2006

• Hans Brinker "Hooligans Zum Aber Kliene Bawlinkinder" Stern Magazine, June 5, 2006