UnNews:Hillary Clinton to be added to Mt. Rushmore
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
13 January 2007
KEYSTONE, South Dakota -- It’s official: Sen. Hillary Clinton’s likeness is to be added to Mt. Rushmore!
As the culmination of a grass-roots campaign conducted quietly by her husband, former President Bill Clinton and his admirer, former President George Herbert Walker Bush, the current President Bush’s father, Congress voted unanimously to allow the installation of Sen. Clinton’s portrait in stone to the mountainous monument near Keystone, SD.
“It’s quite an honor,” Sen. Clinton gushed. “Bill was instrumental in this feat, and I won’t forget his assistance. It almost makes up for his countless infidelities.”
Neither the Senate nor the House of Representatives gave any reason for their having allowed the inclusion of Sen. Clinton alongside the statues of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln, and some critics contend that the honor is unwarranted.
“What has she done to merit her presence on the sacred site?” Rosie O’Donnell demanded on The View. “She’s not even a lesbian, as far as we know,” she added, winking repeatedly as she made this comment to Barbara Walters, who responded, “That poor, pitiful woman.”
Donald Trump said he thinks the inclusion of Sen. Clinton is “good for business, but bad for the country, so, naturally, I’m in favor of it, especially since Rosie the Loser and her loser boss, Ba Ba Wah Wah are against it.”
“That poor, pitiful man,” Walters said when apprised of The Donald’s comments.
Speaker Pelosi admitted that she couldn’t think of any reason for honoring Sen. Clinton but confessed, “It’ll irritate George W. Bush, so, I say, put Hillary up there, and we can make up some excuse for why she’s there later.”
The legislation calls for Sen. Clinton’s statue to be given a place of preeminence to those of the others, which has also caused controversy.
“Why should Hillary Clinton be positioned first, before Washington and Jefferson? Even Roosevelt and Lincoln’s are placed after them,” Sean Hannity said.
“She’s a Democrat, a liberal, and a woman,” Hannity’s rhetorical sparring partner Alan Colmes pointed out with his characteristic brilliance. “That’s why.”
“That’s logical,” Hannity replied, “for you.”
Sen. Clinton’s likeness is based on the bust that sculptor Daniel Edwards carved for display--some say, exposure--at New York’s Museum of Sex. It will also be made of the same material, which will make it stand out from the other statues, further ensuring its Congressionally mandated preeminence. The bust was inspired, Edwards said, by a comment made by actress Sharon Stone, who said Hillary’s figure exudes “girl power.”
“She has quite an impressive rack,” Edwards agreed, joking (it is hoped) that “reportedly, my bust of Hillary’s bust has prompted Bill to learn the breast stroke.”
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- Lotta Lies "Hillary’s mountains"" Uncyclopedia: a lamp of knowledge and wisdom unto the masses, January 12, 2007