UnNews:Gwyneth Paltrow's guide to separation

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

31 March 2014

The uncoupling process can give birth to many conflicting emotions.

If, like me, you're going through a conscious uncoupling - or worse, if you have been unconsciously de-partnered - you might find the following advice pro-active.

• Don't view the situation as a separation or a breakup. Try to imagine this detogetherness instead as the first step of your re-independentization.
• Don't jump straight into something new. Many women opt for an immediate refidelitization with a new partner, while others go for bi-fertilzation with two black dudes. Neither is entirely self-actualizing.
• You will find that your living space will initially become unhomed, as your former partner - who I prefer to call your Life Lesson Instructor - either leaves, or attempts to make you do so, by cooking non-macrobiotic dishes in the kitchen. Combat this by finding your inner sanctum - this is often located in any room which has a lock.
• Instead of seeing uncoupling as removing yourself from a relationship, think of it as "re-moving" - moving on with your life, moving upwards and onwards, and often to a new house.
• One of the inevitable consequences of uncoupling in the habitat is the deunification of belongings. During these days, it's perfectly normal for some of your partner's things to get disreconciled. Some signed Brian Eno LP's, for example, might get disreconciled right in two.
• It's very natural to feel violent urges towards your partner, especially the urge to de-ball him. Avoid such emotional unniceness as best as you can.

Remember that first and foremost, you are a parent. Your objective now, along with uncoupling, is to be a parent, and by taking a sensible and calm attitude to the former, you increase your chances of sole custody, facilitating the latter.

Love, Gwyneth & Chris

Sources

• Leverage, "Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin to separate" Guardian, March 26, 2014