UnNews:Government employees pocket $1.6 million

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

12 October 2008
Huntsville, Alabama (UnPI) Starting in 2000, Michael Cantrell, a mid-level vending machine technician, fooled the Bush Defense Department into believing he was a missile defense expert. In a few years he became a key player in defense contracting, and pocketed a total of $1.6 million in kickbacks from contractors.

MIchael Cantrell (left) and Doug Ennis, Pentagon scammers.

"I would testify before Congress," Cantrell told Uncyc reporters, "and describe our proposals for missile defense. Of course the details were actually taken from the mechanics of soda pop vending machines, but let's face it -- congressmen have the intelligence of protozoans. The only reason they're at the top is because scum floats. They bought it all, hook, line, and stinker."

But the $1.6 million was just a drop in the bucket compared to the amount he and his drinking buddy, Doug Ennis, got the Pentagon to waste on nonsense projects. When a janitor at Lockheed-Martin cooked up a scheme to scrub the Van Allen belt with Pine-Sol toilet bowl cleaner, Cantrell and Ennis got the Pentagon to spend $10 million on the project. The pair got $7 million for mutant mole-rats with nuclear sphincters, $6.2 million for Kevlar-armored pizza boxes, and $1.3 million for a rock band called the Dead Putins. All in all, these and similar bogus projects cost taxpayers $350 million from 2000 through 2007.

We asked Cantrell how he was able to convince Pentagon officials to shell out for so much patently idiotic garbage. "Well," said Cantrell, "we are talking about the US military here. This is the biggest money-wasting organization on the planet. Show a general a firecracker, tell him that with a few million you can turn it into a weapon that will make him orgasm, and he'll hand you a blank check. All they really want is a penis substitute. They're all impotent."

A Pentagon spokesman would not confirm or deny Cantrell's accusations. "I can say this," the spokesman muttered, glancing over his shoulder. "Not all Pentagon officials are impotent, brain-rotted cretins. Not quite all." When pressed for specifics, he got red in the face and said, "Let's just say that at least a tenth of one percent are, um, intelligent lifeforms. Roughly equivalent to baboons. The rest are not quite so mentally advanced."

A harsh indictment of the American defense apparatus? Perhaps.

But a federal department that can be easily gamed by two Alabama crackers is not the kind of organization that could be expected to defend the USA against anything more advanced than guinea pigs. In support of this thesis, Uncyc researchers reviewed the history of the Pentagon's missile defense system. The system was initiated by Ronald Reagan in 1983, and we found that the only time it has succeeded in hitting anything was when it managed to home in on Kirstie Alley's ass in 2005. As Ms. Alley's rump was at that time larger than California, Nevada, and New Mexico combined, it was not exactly a triumph of targeting. Other than that the system has been useless. But the Defense Department continues to pour millions of dollars yearly into buttressing its failures.

Cantrell and Ennis are small fry indeed in the chronicles of government stupidity.

Sources

• "US Government even stupider than we thought" UPI, October 12, 2008