14 July 2006
Today at 8:05 PM God resigned. We are currently unable to reach Him for questioning. There has been talk of Beverly Allett and Michael Jackson possibly taking over the job, but these rumors are unconfirmed.
15 July 2006
God today has decided to talk. "It is, it shall be." he said. We have no idea what the fuck he was talking about but the media has some idea. "It seems God is tired, growing fat, and kicked too many people out of eden, but no matter what, our god is an awesome god. Sure his overgrowing body heat is causing the ice caps to melt causing danger for us all, but who cares?" More updates soon to come.
Son of God makes statement
My father who art in Heaven hallowed be thy name has asked Me to pass on this message Amen:
Since all you bastards down there have been giving Me a bad press of late Ive made the decision to step down & let Chaos reign for a bit. He's Good at His job I should know I created Him from nothing more than the coating on my tongue. Chaos is a close friend & 'Mukka' to the Satan family who I know are planning a day out to the middle east to see the sights like Calvary & so forth but I digress. Now if any of the Satan family particularly the young ones with ASBO's & 666 tattooed on their person should start giving you Hell & lots of ideas for imaginitive deaths don't go running to your nearest priest for Salvation because Ive erased them all from existence, those that are married to them already know this praise be to Me. Finally I'd like to say its not been much of a pleasure Supreme Being your God for this past two millennia with all the blaming Me for all your woes but even Deities need a break from that shit. And Lo....should I leave a tap on like the last time I'm sure some Noah Tall will save you because I most certainly won't.
Yahwey a wim away a wim away....in the jungle the quiet jungle... (Heavenly Choir perform invisibule in the background) Our Father also states that prayers will no longer be answered (any of them) & all correspondence should be forwarded through me by Ishmail to JesusHChrist@HeavenlyHost.Org.
Miracles Witnessed Since God's Departure
- Yates Wine Lodges all over the country reporting their victuals are a little more 'watery' than usual.
- A small amount of bread & a few fish fingers mysteriously appears in a Salvation Army fridge in Yorkshire
- God "God" The beginning of time, January 1, 0
- God "[God's Agent from Press Conference]" Today, 14 July 2006