UnNews:Glastonbury Survival Tactics

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

24 June 2009

Warning: Puddles may be deeper than they look.

GLASTONBURY, England Ahh, that's right people, it's time for the Glastonbury Festival, the one time in the year where the English government turns a blind eye to drug abuse, rape and kidnapping. However, where there is fun there are also dangers that the happy campers need to be aware of. How many times have you returned to your tent and found that your stash has been stolen by some degenerate pot headed hippy scum bastard? How often have you been left with excited bowels and a hell of a long queue to the toilets? How many times have you suffered from the munchies and had no food to fill that non-existent hole in your aching belly? Well this is why we're here; UnNews have come up strong where the Scouts and Health and Safety act has failed to prepare you.

Many things have changed since the first festival in 1970 where only 1,500 people attended; most notably the population and the amount of drugs and every year both seem to rise. As a result confusion can begin even before the festival, whilst queuing up in a hot car, among many other hot cars, one can become intoxicated with fury, second hand smoke and episodes of mania which can all lead to tempers which can interfere with the general happy demeanour of the festival.

Parking the Car

It is not entirely clear which wally came up with the idea of separating the camp site and the parking space with a half mile walk, up hill I may add, however they did and everyone else praised them for it and so it was put into action. For this reason it is vital to be the first, or among the first ten people, into the parking area, this way you will be at the front and your walk to the campsite will be at the ultimate minimum. Now, because of the long inconvenient walk, it is recommended that you take everything that you may need out of the car at the beginning in order to restrict the amount of trips back to the car in between your arrival and exit from the Festival. I should add that you should never attend the Festival on your own, although it is very likely you will meet new people there, don't think that they will be willing to carry your bits n' bobs for you. Three people is recommended.

1. Person One - Carries the Tent. Most responsible person in your team, the tent is useful for any hot-boxes and private time.
2. Person Two - Carries the food. Although you are able to purchase food at the Festival, it is unsure how large their stock of Pot Noodles is.
3. Person Three - Transporter of all recreational drugs. Possibly more important than person one and without them there would be no need for person two.

Setting up the Tent

Now although soberness is generally frowned upon during Glastonbury and at the least you should be out of your face by the time you reach the campsite, Person One may need to make the sacrifice of staying off the booze until the tent is set up. If you have bought your tent from Argos, as is recommended due to the price, you will soon realise that the quality of the tent represents the £4.99 price tag that was on it. Also, in an obvious attempt to celebrate the variety of cultures at the festival, the language of the instructions to set up your tent vary from Chinese to French, however it isn't as hard as it sounds. However, this is where the soberness helps you. Whereas it will be tempting to simply climb into the folds of material and fall asleep, this is not recommended as it can lead to suffocation and therefore a lack of a good time.

With the equipment and the other people in your group you should start of by creating a perimeter with sleeping bags, food sack and any passed out people you come across before ordering your accompanying people to patrol the area while you tackle the tent. You should find this surprising easy once all distractions are dealt with.

Protecting your Drugs

It may surprise you that advertising the fact that you are in possession of certain recreational materials can bring a lot of attention and popularity into your life. You should be aware that these people will stop at nothing to achieve some sort of high and therefore should be given no excuse to approach you. One of the best ways to hide your supplies is to simply bring an extra sleeping bag which you can tell any nosey parkers belongs to an awaited visitor or simply a back up for any accidents that may occur while passed out. Your drugs should be kept in plastic bags and wrapped in towels to prevent any damage, especially if you are carrying vulnerable equipment, and should be kept in the actual sleeping bag carrier it comes in, failing that, at the end of the sleeping bag that the shortest person is using.

It is advised that one should never use drugs outside of your own tent. Inside is fine, but if you are to venture outside, it is advised that you stand outside another persons tent with an inviting look on your face so to bring inconvenience to the people inside. Taking turns is fair, although you and your companions should write up a schedule before hand to fit around music events.

Protecting your Food

Food is a crucial ingredient to your survival at the Glastonbury Festival. If you run out there is a possibility of raised tempers and headaches which could put a damper on your trip. Setting out a eating plan, or attempting to estimate the amount of food you will require is not advised as there are many unforeseeable occurrences which may or may not happen; a hostage taking is one of many variables which may impact on your food situation. WE DO NOT ADVISE THAT YOU TAKE HOSTAGES, especially since they will most likely demand edible substances. In some cases your food can be stored in a similar fashion to your drugs, baked beans and other tinned food can be stored in reasonably warm places, however should be taken out for a few hours at a time per day in order to delay the onset of fermentation.

Some people opt to eat an extremely large breakfast, reasoning that by the time they are hungry in the evening, there is the possibility that they could simply pass out from the excess amounts of alcohol and other substances, to avoid eating any more food. Although not medically recommended, it has proved to work in most situations. The other suggestion is to eat at various intervals in the day, however this will require multiple trips back and forth from the tent and unless one intends to take a reasonable amount of drugs while there, it is deemed rather pointless. If you are struck down with the munchies it is advisable to store multiple packs of Hula Hoops or Quavers somewhere on your person. Perhaps nature's pocket.

Not just a sexy addition to your festival ensemble

The Toilet Situation

It is well known that at all Festivals if a toilet is vacant it is either broken or caked in feces. Due to the large queues often found at any point in the day at the toilet section of the festival, there are often many accidents of the messy kind. There are many ways in which a person can have a bowel movement and not go anywhere near the toilets, although only a few of them are advised if one wants to avoid doing anything in public. The first one is to obtain a potty which can be simply pulled out and crouched over at any time when you are in the tent. This can then be either placed in a scented bag and placed in the bin, or thrown out of the tent and hopefully mistaken for a large piece of congealed mud by a passer by. Just make sure it isn't you. Another way is to wear nappies; although demeaning, it does make relieving yourself quite a liberal act and allows you to continue dancing with comfort providing you don't fall over or sit down with it on. It is estimated that about three of these can be squeezed into your average bum bag/fanny pack allowing easy access in case they are required for an emergency change. Wet wipes will be needed.

Finally, should you become trapped among the crowd at a stage don't forget that all important 'golden ticket' be it emptying your bladder in an empty bottle and launching said payload to those near the front of the stage, they would sure appreciate the extra stage effect.

Forget about your worries

Here we have basically touched on the main subjects that people have forgotten about in the past. Many of them are too busy worrying about where to keep their car keys to think about having fun. Of course it is important to keep an eye on your keys, however we do not approve of worrying about such things, or we would have surely included a section for it. Although the information we have provided you with is indeed imperative, we feel that you should mainly focus on having a good time and allow somebody else to take the blame for any mishaps that may or may not occur during your stay.

In keeping with our honesty policy, here at Uncyclopedia, this reporter feels it necessary to inform the readers that he is yet to actually attend the Glastonbury Festival, or in fact any major outdoors event and the advice in this survival guide is to be followed at your own risk.

Sources

• Guardian Music "Glastonbury festival survival tips" Guardian Online, June 24, 2009