UnNews:Germanwings takes new security measures
Friday, March 27, 2015
After the horrific aircrash in the Alps which killed 150 people, airline Germanwings has taken new steps to ensure that if one of its pilots feels suicidal in the future, a major accident will be averted.
Training[edit | edit source]
Company spokesman Hans Zoff told [[UnNews: "While pilot training is extremely thorough, we found that it concentrated mostly on take-off, landing, physical principles, that kind of thing. In the future, all Germanwings pilots will be given supplementary training, where they are explicitly taught to fly the plane into empty air, and not into mountains.
"Our research shows that the ideal pilot spends as little time pointing the nose of his plane towards land as possible."
Videos[edit | edit source]
Should a pilot or co-pilot be identified as potentially depressed, the cabin crew has access to a number of safety videos. These include:
- Cat/Kitten videos - cats doing big jumps and perhaps falling, cats jumping onto tablecloths and sliding off, cats licking water as it drips from taps, cats acting like hunters but coming a cropper. Kittens in general.
- Baby animals - in the unusual case that the pilot/co-pilot doesn't think that cats are the best, best thing in the world, another video, featuring various baby animals, may be used. Zoff noted with typical German perspicacity: "The thing with baby animals is that they look like animals but they are smaller, which is cute."
- Porn - when all else fails, pornography will be used, although genitals must be stowed away safely during takeoff and landing.
Blowjobs[edit | edit source]
- Zoff explains: "According to a survey, 92% of pilots expected a lot more sex with air stewardesses. You have to remember, it isn't all Catch Me If You Can - but our approach is, 'It doesn't have to be Alive either.'"
- The new safety procedure - which replaces the old technique of the locked-out pilot banging on the cockpit door and screaming to be let in - is for the three most attractive members of the cabin crew to promise the suicidal pilot a threeway blowjob. "It's what all men basically want," Zoff explained.
- Should the pilot be of German origin, as in this recent case, the three members of staff may choose to wear the patriotic black, gold and auburn wigs supplied. These are based on the hairstyles of the Germanwings girls Heidi, Leni, and Ursula (pictured).
- Heidi, Leni, and Ursula actually demonstrated the safety procedure yesterday at the press conference, performing the act while a monotone voice explained the various steps. Never before have the expressions "pull down sharply on the toggle", "the nearest one may be behind you", and "place over your nose and mouth and breathe normally" been so sexually charged.
- In the unlikely event that there are not three women on the cabin crew, the theory is that a male flight attendant could take part in the fellatio, but Zoff reflected ruefully: "It is absolutely impossible to find a homosexual air steward."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Leverage, "Germanwings crash: report that co-pilot Lubitz had suffered 'personal life crisis' - rolling updates" Guardian, March 27, 2015
