UnNews:Generation Alpha too stupid to drink laundry detergent
Thursday, October 24, 2024
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - In probably our most depressing news story this week, studies have shown that Generation Alpha is too stupid to drink laundry detergent. Psychologists from Los Angeles, California (also known as everything the light doesn't touch) had started this study by kidnapping sojourning children from parents from the area who were A. willing to finally get rid of those snot-infested sex trophies, or B. sad beige moms. The results were quite shocking.
"It seems that children are too glued to their tables that they won't even digest a single drop of laundry detergent." Lauren McMillan, bestselling author of the book "Kidnapping a Baby: The Rise and Eventual Fall if We Don't Get Our Shit Together" which she said 'really helped in this research'. "They won't do any single bad thing. They won't imitate TV violence, have tantrums in the supermarket, they won't steal sugar in the middle of the night. You just give them that floating rectangle and they behave accordingly. It's almost magic, but not quite."
Obviously, we all know the effects of being addicted to your phone, it's as bad as like, smoking cigarettes and stuff, you dig? Sorry, I feel kinda high right now. *ahem* Lauren McMillan says that parents should stop being lazy and actually help their children. "They need to start getting their act together and start helping their children! Most of the time they just stare at the children, maybe get a rope and start tying it to the ceiling fan in a noose knot. How is that going to help your children? Well, unless you hang the children yourself. That's actually kinda viable."
The problem doesn't also contribute to the psychological damages. Stock markets have been going down for most of the big detergent companies. We spoke with CEO of Tide, Dr. Oliver Prill, to see his opinion.
"Remember back in.. 2018? Remember when kids were eating those Tide Pods up? We saw a GREAT rise. Then the public outcry happened, and Google and Facebook removed all of the stuff, it was so stupid! The nerve. Poisoning children is our specialty, that's OUR motto. The red is even colored so you know how many bloody surgeries those stupid kids had. But they weren't stupid kids, they were.. entrepreneurs! Also statistics! Two-for-one special! Great kid, don't listen to a word you say. Maybe that worked out better for us, eh? Look, the fact that these kids are now unknown to the great dangers of absolutely CHUGGING down a gallon of Tide, how are we supposed to get by? I don't care if we're used for your stupid washing machines, for killing children, IT'S GOT TO BE TIDE! Besides, ads are doing them that much justice. The best water-based thing they care about is that weird toilet thing I'm legally not allowed to talk about."
Stupidity is one thing, but not having ER on you in your first 10 years of life is sickening. I'm a very sick anonymous individual and a "comedy" writer, and this is UnNews.