Suicide note
We at Uncyclopedia are proud to host a collection of real-life[citation needed] suicide notes, ethically sourced by consenting friends and family of the deceased. We honor the lives of those lost to the scourge of suicide by presenting their testimony. We hope that readers will be encouraged to live their lives to the fullest, instead of throwing it away on a whim and letting everybody down. How dare you even think about it. Names have been pseudonymized, hopefully. Certain copyrighted brand names have been removed, out of respect for their brand integrity.
John M., 37
John M. was found dead after stuffing his pockets full of rocks and jumping in front of the G Train in Hoyt-Schermerhorn station. He was $9.3 million in debt after a failed attempt to short a number of Fortune 500 companies.
Hey honey!
I tried everything I could to dig myself out of this hole. I triple mortgaged my home, did a garage sale which made my HOA so mad they set my car on fire, I maxed out all of my credit cards, I even tried selling my friend's kidney, but that didn't work out because they have to consent first. I got enough money that if my trades went through and [PODCAST NAME] was right I would've made generational wealth.
Sadly, I clicked the wrong button on [ELECTRONIC TRADING APP] and lost it all. Even after my fifteen leg parlay went through, it couldn't cover the cost because I accidentally set the currency to Korean Won. 500 million Won can't even buy you a decent snowmobile.
I'm sorry hon, I did my best, but in the words of [MUSICAL ARTIST], I did my best, but I guess my best wasn't good enough. Don't tell Emily I did this, please tell her I slipped on a banana peel, they still have those right? I love you so much, I wish I knew how to show it.
Sandeep P., 31
Sandeep P. was found dead in his apartment, located in the ironically named city of Lucknow. Following DOGE cuts, he was fired from his H-1B government job and later deported back to his birth country, after an audit revealed he had filled out a form with the name "Samdeep" instead of "Sandeep", which constitutes fraud according to new DHS guidelines. One day after his untimely death, his cousin Arjun won the lottery, and bought each and every member of the Patel family Gold Cards (a type of U.S. investor visa allowing permanent residency), which are like Green Cards, but even better.
After years of faithful service, I was thrown away like detritus!
All I have ever done is do the work, put my head down, never complain. Even as the coffee in the break room was replaced by a concoction they called "DONKEYPUNCH", which I have since learned is a mixture of pure caffeine, sawdust extract and cricket legs! Even as they replaced the cubicles with the "open concept", which is just using cafeteria tables sourced from a failing Middle School in Willard, Missouri! They did not even scrape the bubblegum from under the tables.
I cannot even find a job at home, I am blacklisted now because of the sanctions.
I did everything they wanted, and they threw me away. What use am I if I cannot provide? What purpose do I serve if I cannot support my family? I do not have a wife, or a girlfriend, I tried to ask the girl out who was selling chaat at the corner, but she said she needed stability. I've let everyone down.
Gilbert O., 26
Gilbert O. was found at the base of a nearby tower, having thrown himself off, after his bride-to-be stood him up, leaving him standing on a lurch at a Church. People were reported as saying, "No point in us remaining, may as well go home." His father and mother having died, he is survived by no one, with friends saying he never wished to hide the tears which ensued from his grief.
He was known for his introspective ballads, and excellent haircut.
[Text removed due to copyright claim by BMG/Union Square Music]
Robert S., 48
Robert S. was found dead in the woods outside Poughkeepsie, covered in saran wrap, his mouth duct-taped and his abdomen perforated with multiple stab wounds. Furthermore, his entire head had been stuffed way up his asshole. Following a thorough investigation, his death was ruled as a suicide, although multiple attempts to replicate his methods have proven fruitless; the police now suspect he used a Rube Goldberg contraption to get everything set up.
Hello, it's me, Robert. I just want to say I love my wife Amy, and regardless of any existing last will or testament out there, this note supersedes it, and you should give everything to her.
I just want to say I really feel guilty for sleeping with my wife's best friend Carol. I didn't keep it in my pants, and I ruined a beautiful friendship, all because I had no self control. Furthermore, I apologize for saying she was hotter, and for bragging about how she cooked me pancakes in the morning after. That was really inconsiderate of me, and if Amy got so mad that she stabbed me in the abdomen multiple times, I would be perfectly fine with that, and would harbor no hard feelings.
You should go head and make Amy the executor of my estate as well, despite verbal statements made while I was alive claiming otherwise. She knows best how to distribute the life insurance money. Otherwise, I'd probably just give it all to my son Jack and ignore my daughter Liv, whose dream of becoming a musician I did not appreciate, despite her mother loving her very much and being fully supportive. Despite Amy telling me otherwise, I could never get over my hangups and show my love for her as much as my son, Jack, who is also neat (don't get me wrong). I am so sorry, Liv! You are my little sunbeam always and forever. I love you!
Anyway, that covers pretty much everything. Wait, delete my internet history! That's what a man would say, right?
Emily M., 18
Emily M. was a freshman at CSI Willowbrook, a community college in Staten Island. The details of her death have been withheld due to ethical concerns, but let's just say she died after overdosing on "mentanyl-faced locaine."
I tried to do the tapes thing, but I couldn't get the machine to work. It's a stupid show anyway. I don't even know how to get the voice memos on my phone out of the phone. I have a lot of reasons. I should just tell you.
- The barista at [COFFEE PLACE] smiles at all the girls except me. Rude!
- I didn't like the way my mom would show me pictures from when I was younger and say I looked better thinner, but I remember when I was that age in the pictures she was doing the same thing.
- I had an incident in the Physics lab Senior Year, Mr. Dinkler messed up and now I have a scar right on my arm. It's the size of a nickel, and it's very ugly!
- I love you Jenny but it's sucks having a fraternal twin sister who's prettier! This isn't a "Reason", I just needed to pad out the list. I love you!
- My ex-boyfriend kept wanting to do the Mark Felt, and he got mad at me because I didn't want to do it! He was so nice everywhere else, but he couldn't accept I didn't want to do the Mark Felt!
- My whole aesthetic is cat-adjacent, but I'm allergic to them.
- I'm allergic to tree nuts.
- Everyone laughed at me when I stopped being vegan after three weeks. It's perfectly normal!
- My dad would always go "shshshsh" if I talked about literally anything, ugh.
- I think I'm broken inside.
- They discontinued [VIRAL DRINK]. It was my lifeline.
- A bug went into my shoe in 8th grade, and nobody believed me and thought I was just being gross for taking my shoe off.
- My stupid ex convinced me to help with with this dumb senior graduation prank, he was supposed to draw a bunch of cocks but he ended up just writing the N-Word fifty times. I got expelled, just before graduation. And Jenny also got expelled and got her full-ride to [FANCY UNIVERSITY] cancelled because they were super sensitive about that thing, even though she DIDN'T KNOW WHY SHE WAS DRIVING US! I kept telling everyone SHE DIDN'T KNOW, but they didn't listen! I'm so sorry, she's so much smarter than me and I ruined her life, I ruined everything, I'm so stupid!
- My dad kept playing the Banana Pancakes song in the morning. It gets annoying after the FIVE MILLIONTH TIME! I wish he didn't slip on that banana peel, who eats bananas on subways?
That pretty much covers it all.
Eugene B., 59
Eugene B. was found dead inside a white rental van parked next to a telecommunications tower. The van was filled with 53 pounds of shredded cardboard soaked in urine, under the seeming belief that cardboard-soaked urine was an explosive of some kind. Bizarrely enough, he insisted his name was Jason, despite not having his name legally changed at all. The last year of his life, Eugene had been listening to a podcast that used to focus on financial advice, before pivoting to conspiracy theories about 5G towers. The family later sued the host, whose name we have withheld for legal reasons, although he claimed his conspiratorial statements were all part of a satirical performance.
I am a patriot.
I am a father, a son, a child of a forsaken generation.
This is my last act. This is the first strike. From the ashes of my sacrifice, a new nation will be born.
I know fully well the price I will pay, and the price I have exacted on others, but in the end their pain will be their triumph. Do you know that the 5G rays, they sap your will to live? They corrupt your capacity to love, and your children's capacity to receive it. The rays seep into your amygdala, and it makes it difficult to connect with anybody, because the connection is all routed through your phones. Because of the 5G rays.
I just hope my children will understand. My first grandson was born just a week ago. He will inherit a better world because of what I've done.
This is Jason, signing off.
Chris L., 40
Chris L. was unrecognizable after he had driven his custom body Toyota Supra the wrong way, colliding into a flatbed truck just past a highway interchange near Willard, Missouri. Following the discovery of a note in his bedroom, investigators concluded the collision had been intentional. His coworkers at a certain chemical and material science company celebrated his life with a sheet cake in the breakroom.
I just turned 40 today. I had a cake that said 4 and 0 on it. You can buy cakes yourself now. I look back at it all and I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. I let the time pass me by. I let it slip between my fingers. The total output of my entire life has amounted to making the thin edge of a toothpaste tube slightly more rigid at a cheaper cost.
I still miss her. She was the love of my life, by definition I guess. She died about nine years ago. Breast cancer, but it metastasized so quickly, like it found a shortcut to the brain. I have some pictures of her back in the day, posing in the nude. She was beautiful. She was sculpted by something divine.
I did what I usually did and I jerked off to her pictures. I stopped for about seven years, I tried dating again, but I couldn't connect. I'm like a screwhead that's all stripped out. Nothing can grab. I miss the touch of her. Her folks wouldn't let me cremate her. She wanted to be in the wind. She's just a husk now, eaten by worms.
I told my therapist this and he gave me this look. Pure disgust. He hid it well enough, and then he said, "Don't mix grief and arousal, it's literally the worst thing you could do, ever." But I don't care anymore. I think when I come, I feel that she's alive again. I want to hold her again. If I could be struck deaf, dumb and blind, with nothing but stumps for arms and pegs for legs, all so that I could just feel her alive for fifteen seconds, I would do it.
Jamie V., 21
Jamie V. was found dead in his mom's Kia Sorento, parked at the curb near a women's shelter in Hoboken. The SUV contained an AR-15 and spare magazines, although the only weapon fired was a 9mm handgun. He had apparently died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. No one else was killed or injured, although the noise disturbed a flock of pigeons nesting in a nearby tree.
Let me tell you how much I've come to hate WOMEN! They never give me the time of day, they've never even noticed me. 21 years old and still a VIRGIN. UNBELIEVABLE. All women have ever done is make fun of me. All because I wasn't born a 6'9" chad with rippling abs and a positive canthal tilt. I have a negative canthal tilt, a recessed maxilla, and a very embarrassing pectus excavatum. These fucking WHORES can't look past my HIDEOUS physical appearance, and appreciate my great personality!
I don't even try to be mean. I try to be nice, and they just hate me anyway because I'm not a GIGACHAD! They're all a bunch of hypergamous losers! They won't give a decent guy like me a chance! I remember just a couple months ago, this stupid blonde BITCH in the cruise ship playing Billy Joel songs, her name was Livvy or whatever, I tried to talk to her but she just blew me off. I tried again the next day, I even got her flowers, but she just whined and said, "I'm going through a lot right now, please leave me alone." I got so mad I spilled my drink all over her stupid red keyboard, and my mom and dad got so mad because apparently it was expensive! They had to pay the cruise line a lot of money!
I'm gonna show them! I'm gonna show them all! If only someone took the time to actually LIKE me! Why was I born so fucking UNLIKEABLE? Why did no one ever give me a chance? Why do some people just get LOVE from existing, while others are doomed from the start?
Adam F., 16
Adam F. was found dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in his sister's house a day after a Senior Night home dual against their high school's longtime rivals, whose mascot is a sentient corn-on-the-cob. He had previously gone to a party with some of the other JV wrestlers to celebrate the end of season. His coach said that Adam was a hardworking, dedicated young man, although he had a tendency to lose focus, and that on Senior Night he even got caught in a spladle after going for a single-leg with his head down. Otherwise, he was a good kid.
The following text was found on his notes app, an hour before he likely died.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK FUCKK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Claire K., 39
Claire K. was found unresponsive and not breathing in her room by her mother, who she shared an apartment with. She was declared dead in the hospital.
I've driven past the same cross for the last seven years, the one just before the bridge at the interchange, except when it ices over in winter and I take the other route.
I go to work and I do the same thing I've done the past seventeen years. Had to get a backbrace as PM Merch even after moved from stocking produce to sundries, especially when they change the floorplan for the season and keep adding new Sku's. Couldn't pick 300 an hour and the AR chutes were jammed with jiffies from the west loop doghouse, stocking the drives in the happy hour rush and wrapping pallets in non-con where the store leads keep catching associates vaping in the freezer, and I have to burn the ice the third time today after the busser knocked those fucking blue-rimmed marg glasses again!
Stayed overnight at the GM's house and his breath smelled like tonsil stones but I still didn't get the PTO approved, but at least the driver knocked over the Hexclad table and pissed off the sales reps, and my friend made it out of the chicken room. They keep overstaffing the FOH, and the F4 key on the AS400 is stuck, and the POS is being a POS, and I'm pretty sure the system lost an hour of my OT.
I can still hear the beeping from the UHC, telling me to replace the patties and send them to problem solve, and I can still feel my shoes stick to the stock room floor from when morning shift dropped two Fanta bibs, two of them! But like they said in standup, or was it the huddle, Spill Magic doesn't work on eggs, and so help me God if I see you wearing earbuds I will kill you.
I don't think I can do another 30 years of this. I don't think I'm doing very well. Sorry mama.
Joe K., 24
Joe K. (no relation to Claire K.) had been awarded the Medal of Honor for his brave actions during Operation Heroic Fury. The head of the Banana Grower's Association, Arturo S. (no relation to Robert S.) of Belize, had made statements inconducive to peaceful diplomacy, and DEA surveillance confirmed evidence suggesting he may have had ties to the drug cartels in Mexico.
Joe K., along with 150 other members of the 101st Airborne, were airdropped to a zone just outside Arturo's compound, where they dispatched several combat-aged males and other employees of the BGA, before eliminating Arturo in his sleep. Joe K. suffered multiple gunshot wounds to the abdomen and inner groin.
He was found dead in his home six months after he was awarded by the President.
I don't like shitting into a bag. I miss using my butthole.
See also
- Why?:Give Up - Please don't
- HowTo:Kill Yourself With A Brick - Please don't
- HowTo:Face your upcoming death - Just in case