UnNews:Gays reach recruitment quota for 2008

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

24 January 2009

Gays everywhere rejoiced today when the Center for the Advancement of the Homosexual Agenda (CAHA) released a report detailing recruitment efforts for 2008. Overall recruitment was well over 200,000 individuals, up 25% from 2007's total.

"This was just an overwhelming success for queers everywhere," said CAHA president Gary Vanderbilt. "We were totally blown away." The group cites Ted Haggard, Clay Aiken, Larry Craig, and Fred Phelps as primary influences for the large influx of members.

CAHA's sister group, the Center for the Advancement of the Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Agenda, reported 10 recruited individuals for 2008, up from 2007's 0. The group is likewise ecstatic, its membership now at a record 11.

Christian groups were predictably outraged. "We have perfectly attractive, perfectly heterosexual church goers who we feel would be perfect matches for homosexuals everywhere," said Pat Robertson.

"Oh, honey, please, we wouldn't touch a Christian woman if she were dressed like James Dean," said Vanderbilt, in response to Robertson's statement. "The only Protestants worth screwing are the Mormon boys. Coincidentally, Mormons accounted for 64% of our recruits this year!" Catholics typically account for the majority of CAHA's recruits.

In response to the large spike in gay membership, the Duggar family has decided to sell the designs for their new gay-resistant model of human male, in an effort to increase production.

A call to God's New York estate was not immediately returned.

Apparently no teachers in drag were recruited this year.