UnNews:Forty "respec'" areas to be announced in UK

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

27 December 2006

THE SPIN GALLERY, No. 10 Downing Street, Wednesday (UNN) — With 47% of all Asbos (anti-social behaviour orders) being breached, forty areas of England and Wales with the worst anti-social behaviour problems are to be targeted for special attention from the Home Office. The Government's "yo, respec'" tsar, Louise Mosley, said local councils would have to agree to crack down on the ghastly behaviour of commoners in exchange for extra resources, or indeed any resources at all.

Stop ogling my breasts and bottom, young person, or it's the naughty step for you!

She said she was not surprised by the published figures on Asbo breaches. "We need a wider debate on how to deal with those young persons who get and breach Asbos, as well as every other measure to curb their bored and unemployable behaviour. When you are dealing with such naturally, genetically criminal groups of persons, it's hardly surprising. The government's phrenology and eugenics department has scientifically established that 'chavs' and their monkey-like, crack-whoring children are in fact a different species from normal decent people of breeding and culture. Their accent is also extremely difficult to understand if you have not done an evening course in speaking 'oik.'

"It is not the failure of the Asbo! It is the failure of getting ... the ... offending ... behaviour ... of ... that ... young-person ... under ... CON-TROL!"

Ms Mosley said she would be making it easier for local people to raise their concerns about anti-social behaviour, with local residents' meetings, to be called "Face the Daily Mail Readers," where key police and council figures would be available at shopping malls, unemployment offices and other public locations to hear people's concerns about the poor attitude of young people of today and tell how hard work and sending them to Iraq would jolly well straighten them out and teach them a thing or two about life.

Last month the Home Office announced it would spend four million pounds on "supernannies" in 77 areas of England as the only way to stem the rising tide of roving gangs of young pickpockets. These Nannies will fly in on umbrellas to give patronising advice to problem families. Jo Frost will be employed by local councils to patronise teenage mothers on either a classroom or one-to-one basis, while carefully avoiding the actually seriously problematic households so as to avoid possible ill feeling and harshing of their mellow.

But the Conservatives have described these initiatives as gimmicks. "This is an admission of failure," said Shadow Home Secretary David "Nosher" Davis. "That the Government have to resort to bribing local authorities to sign up to their quick fixes betrays just how unsuccessful they 'ave been. The Tories will ditch the gimmick-led approach and start respectin' the povs' intelligence and intrinsic street-smarts, learning how to go up to them and say, 'yo, bro', I'm an avaricious self-centred materialist like you, blud.' We need a real commitment to tackling the causes of crime, and to teach the young persons how to commit only decent businessman-like corner-cutting of greater plausible deniability. Some of our best Tory leaders came from the estates. Er, don't tell Dave I said that, okay."

The Government is also looking into sterilisation as a condition of drawing unemployment benefits, now that the poor are no longer useful in factories and down coal mines.

Sources

• Jo Frost "If you don’t listen, you’re going to sit on the naughty side of the Commons!" Channel 4, December 27, 2006

• Yusuf Gobbles "Hello trees, hello sky, GET OFF MY LAWN YOU FILTHY LITTLE GIT" Daily Mail, December 27, 2006