UnNews:Five million 1950s jokes leaked onto uncyclopedia

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28 February 2012

Additional material from the Smother's Brothers famous "Who's on First?" skit was released in the document dump.

Austin, Texas - Five million private jokes from the top comedians of the 1950s were leaked today onto the subversive website, Uncyclopedia. The estates of Milton Berle, Ernie Kovacs, Jacques Tati, Lucille Ball and dozens of other classic comics from the '50s have filed legal "Do Not Disturb" orders to stop the document dump. The estate of Sid Caesar sent along additional material which he wrote yesterday.

Among the tidbits gleamed from the stolen comedy bits was the real ending of Jack Benny's famous "Your money or your life" skit. In the televised version, when Benny is confronted by an armed robber who demands "Your money or your life" he takes a very long pause and then says "I'm thinking, I'm thinking". But in the original version the robber shoots Benny, looks into his wallet, and there's only a dollar in there.

Other interesting finds show Woody Allen complaining about dying while appearing on Romper Room, Red Skelton arm-wrestling himself for bragging rights, Ralph Cramdon finally punching Alice's lights out, and a cartoon gem in which Bugs Bunny goes way outside his comfort zone.

"We are facing a sandstorm of criticism for publishing this material," Uncyclopedia spokesperson Roman Dog Bird said, "and I'm not even talking about the leaks."

This document dump comes on the same day that Wikileaks published five million internal e-mails from Stratfor, a privately owned fascist intelligence agency located in the United States. Stratfor, which Barron's magazine calls "The shadow CIA", is shown in the emails to commit murder, prop up corporate lies, manipulate the media, destroy the reputations of people they don't like, and generally act like nasty little fascist tard boys who've accidentally been given a real gun instead of a peashooter. Stratfor's president immediately resigned and sought exile in the Caymans, while Uncyclopedia's president sought exile in a bottle.

"Although the website Above Top Secret is the only place that's adequately covering the Stratfor leaks, we will shout 'chuck norris hitler shit' from the rooftops about our 1950's Comedians Document Dump," said a passing IP vandal who spoke on behalf of Uncyclopedia.

"No, no, he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!"

Some other tidbits gleamed from the dump include a bit where Steve Allen has an affair with Gracie Allen until George Burns burns their eyes out with his cigar, an alternative ending to the "Who's On First" skit where we find it's actually Duke Snider, a follow-up joke about water closets by Jack Parr, a long-surpressed XXX-rated erotic dance by Annette Funicello initially aired live on the Mickey Mouse Club, and the Dead Parrot skit later made famous by the Monty Python team but actually first performed in 1954 by Howdy Doody and a gardening glove.

"These leaked jokes should never have seen the light of day," said Comedy Central spokeswoman, Sarah Silverman. "I mean, do we really need to see Don Rickles moon Joan Rivers, and she moon him back? Gag me with it, please Uncle Miltie. An obviously drunk Wally Cox conducting an impromptu slave auction at Eddie "Rochester" Anderson's celebrity roast - and Redd Foxx winning Anderson and leading him out in a spiked metal neck-harness as he pitifully squeaks over and over 'Mr. Benny! Mr. Benny!'? My eyes are on fire, people. And why is Stratfor being given any power at all. let alone to kill, maim, and, well, how do I say this, disappoint their mothers? Given the choice between going to Stratfor's company picnic and having Lenny Bruce tie me to a chair and inject me with his leftover death's-door heroin, I'd take the white ride every time!"

As a result of the leaks, the BBC's Goon Show vaults have increased security to ensure that their material remains secure. "The technology that we are using to protect our archives is second to none," BBC spokesperson Clyde Noseringer stated. "The agents who leaked the '50s material will never locate the Goon tapes. Hey, we've been searching for them ourselves for years and still haven't found them."

Sources

• Above Top Secret thread on the leaks from the facist tard boys, Stratfor.