UnNews:Fed up fish fight ferociously
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
31 July 2007
ORLANDO, Fla. -- Boaters and other watercraft riders are being hit and injured by giant jumping sturgeons at record pace within a 40-mile stretch of water in Florida. "People and sturgeons are colliding," Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission official Anny Tacapis said. "Usually, people are the losers. If it hits you, it is like being hit with a 200-pound brick. It's a real rush!"
Sturgeon, which is one of the oldest genera of fish in existence, have been leaping out of the water without warning and striking people. Wildlife experts are concerned that this new trend may spell the end of an unwritten agreement that is centuries, perhaps even millennia in the making. "Normally, sturgeons give a written warning at least 48 hours before leaping," one official explained. "This allows people to take evasive action, such as taking levitation lessons, metamorphosing, or even staying home and spanking the monkey".
Within the last 24 months, wildlife experts have documented more than 12 random strikes within a 40-mile stretch from the Suwannee to Manatee Springs. With an average density of 1.4 people per square foot, moving at 50 mph, this stretch of water is described as "busy".
Ahshat Masalf, 14, of Brevard County, Fla., was recently on a jet ski with her friend Gotter Havakrap, when a sturgeon they met in a singles bar the previous night leaped in front of them. The sturgeon's thick armor-like skin sliced into her knee, requiring stitches. "He was a wonderful lover," she gushed. "Rough and considerate at the same time. I will definitely date him again"
The teens said they had a blind date with a 200-pound sturgeon the day before the injury in an area where the fish were known to cruise for action.
"Even the locals were commenting they had not seen sturgeon that well hung," a witness said wistfully.
"It's pretty random," Takapis said. "I can't tell you where the next sturgeon is going to jump as you can attest to. But I keep my hopes up"
Sturgeon have been making leaps from the water for 195 million years. Humans have been around for a lot less time than that.
The increase in the "collisions" with humans can't be explained, Local 6's Mike Rapstinx reported.
Experts said they spawn in the Suwannee until mid September then head back to Mexico (for the rich divorcees) until next year when young women looking for "action" invade Florida.
Sturgeon, which can grow to be 8 feet long, are protected by the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. They can't be caught for sport or harvested.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Local6.com. "Giant Jumping Fish Striking People At Record Pace In Stretch Of Water" Internet Broadcasting Systems, July 31, 2007