UnNews:Fanboys riot over the delay of the 13th Final Fantasy
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
17 January 2010
"Dave Jackal reporting from outside of Japanese gaming company Square Enix's North American Headquaters. It's a scene of total destruction. News broke out just yesterday of the delay of much anticipated Final Fantasy XIII, or 13, for those who do not know Roman numerals. Shortly after the announcement, fanboys of all nationalities gathered here outside the Square Enix complex and they aren't even giving the building the chance to fight back. We have interviewed several people including some in the riot, but more on those people later."
"Various motives are behind the riot. Some say the spark that lit the fuse was the fact that Square Enix's statement from Chairman 脂肪を他言は無用; "We are working to limit the delay beetween the English version of our games and the Japan exclusive versions." many fans mistook this for; "We are looking to limit the delay beetween the Japanese versions of our games, and the English versions'. Fans were outraged at the delay announcement and then the [discovery] that lonely old Japanese men and nerds were allready enjoying their Final Fantasy for the 13th time.
President of the American branch of Square Enix could only mutter; 'Coming March, 23rd, 2013' before he was ingited by the hordes of fanboys."
Strangely, when asked on the reason for the sudden delay, Employees of Square Enix told us that "It was a mass marketing technique to gain us lots of publicity. upon the release of FFXIII, in 2012, people will want to pay alot of gil just to get some releif after the apocalypse. We also wanted to do some new artwork for the pre-orderers of XIII, which includes extremely more busty versions of Lightning [XIII's heroine]." This reporter admits, that would be some good Hentai, As Square Enix are very good at making busty chicks for lonely men to pull out their 5 inch "Ultima Weapons" too.
Well, I digress. the news is in the riot. Earlier we interviewed the head of the riot, who's asked us that we call him 'Warrior of Light' as an alternative to his real name, Earl Tinycoch. To protect his identity, "Warrior of Light" or, Early Tinycoch, told us that the reason behind this riot was because of the waiting they have to deal with every time a Square Enix game is released. (We all figured this, anyway.) Earl, er, I mean, Warrior Of Light, stated that they are sick of being screwed over by Square Enix. UnNews' Financial Advisor, Captain Obvious, states that "With this riot, Square Enix will loose alot of their money, due to the loss of Customers". However, Square Enix begs to differ, with 脂肪を他言は無用 telling us (the following was translated from Japanese) "The riot in our North American headquaters is going exactly to plan. Soon, the world will be ours! MUFUFUFUFUFFUFUFU." This reporter finds the simmilarities of this qoute to that of an RPG main boss, Irrelevant and Coincidental.
For those who have ties to those inside the Square Enix building, there is a support line available for you at the charge of $10 dollars per minute, with funds going to the Rioters to buy some new Weapon and Equips, as they brace themselves to enter the building and fight the Boss of Square Enix North America. However, I urge you to instead look at the UnNews Classifields, and find a good phonesex partner for a minute at the same price.
Hoping the Rioters don't kill the Character Designer so I can enjoy those busty Japanese girls, that's all the coverage we have for now, by Dave Jackal of UnNews.
This UnNews article was bought to you by Final Fantasy XIII! Out Now (Japan) and Coming Soon in 2012 for the rest of the world!!