UnNews:FBI turns to "Cold Case" for help finding Hoffa

“Did you check in the last place you left him?”

~ Mafia on Jimmy Hoffa

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

31 May 2006

Last known photograph of Jimmy Hoffa, before he vanished mysteriously. Detailed analyses of this image have failed to offer any clues regarding his disappearance.

DETROIT (Reuters) The FBI is seeking the assistance of the CBS drama Cold Case in locating the body of missing Teamster boss Jimmy Hoffa, sources within the agency reported Wednesday.

Just days after calling off an unsuccessful search of the Hidden Dreams Farm, the FBI has reportedly dispatched agents to the offices of the Columbia Broadcasting System in New York, in the hopes that the detectives of their hit show Cold Case might have better luck solving the 31-year-old missing-persons case.

"This [the Hoffa case] is just the sort of thing those guys are good at," stated Special Agent Gene Hunt, the agency's liaison with the television network, "Did you see the one where they solved the murder of that kid? I mean, they had like no evidence to go on at all, and they still put the killer away. That's the kind of thing we're looking for here."

Although the series is currently on hiatus for the summer, agency sources reveal that the FBI is optimistic that it will see a break in the case, once episodes resume this fall.

"We don't know how soon they'll be able to get to it, of course," Special Agent Hunt commented, referring to the Hoffa case, "I'm sure they've already got a pretty heavy case-load lined up. But we feel sure that once they're on the case, we'll get fast results -- probably within 45 minutes, if their track record so far is any indication... but that's not counting commercials."

Responding to criticism over its decision to involve the fictional Philly police department in the search for Hoffa's body, the FBI insists that existing episodes of Cold Case clearly justify the move, and encourages critics to check out previous seasons, which are now available on DVD.

"I have a really good feeling about this," Special Agent Hunt added, "I think for the first time we've actually got a pretty good shot at finding this guy."

When asked if he realises that Cold Case isn't real, Special Agent Hunt punched the reporter in the nose and ran away.

CBS could not be reached for comment.

Sources

• "The Autobiography of James Riddle Hoffa", Mafia Press, 30 July, 1975

• "Are tv schedules secretly manipulated by aliens from Area 51?", Roswell Times, 30 May, 2006