UnNews:FBI closes in on PC zombie gang

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14 April 2011

Don't say the I-word!

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A crack squad of investigators from the U.S. FBI, assembled to track down zombie PCs, has found a greater threat to law and order.

Unlike zombie PCs, which are virus-infected computers that form a bot net and coordinate their misdeeds, PC zombies are members of the Walking Undead who have been wreaking havoc on careless speakers here. They have formed an Undead Manners Police, stealthily listening behind windows and doors all over the US Capital. When they overhear insensitive remarks, they crash in and consume the offender's brain. The FBI closed in on the network recently when its zombie network of remote-controlled personal computers was compromised by PC zombie hunters. The politically correct zombie hunters, while anti-zombie, are pro-sensitivity.

"We would like to be able to save these gentle creatures of habit, but when they take the life of a living human, they have crossed a line. This is true whether or not the offenders were known to have said the N-word, the C-word, the I-word, and especially the V-word," said PC Zombie Hunter Norm Friday.

The FBI has found that the zombies, as prophesied in the book, seem to congregate where they know. An abandoned community center has been found to be the headquarters of the PC zombies, and plans are to raid it with an onslaught of Letter-words.

Special Agent Kobe Bryant cracked a large cell of PC zombies last week. "With his halting gait, he walked right into me, so naturally I called him a faggot," said Bryant, though Sportschannel will not replay the remark or even show the Special Agent's lips. "He told me, 'Hey! That could be hurtful,' in a hollow voice with a trace of a lisp. We flushed him right out."