UnNews:Everyone loses in British local elections
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
4 May 2012
United Kingdom -- Local elections were held today across the United Kingdom in a contest to see who the general public hated least, with the Labour Party being the winners of this unpopularity contest. Labour won more than 700 seats across the country as the elderly, unemployed and mentally infirm turned up at polling booths to sit in the warmth for a few minutes and have some human company. Both the Conservative Party and the Liberal Democrats suffered heavily, with Liberal party leader Nick Clegg commenting that 'we bled seats like a heavy period.'
Exit polling over voter decision-making showed a clear set of reasons for the upswing in Labour's fortunes, principally amongst these were 'Ed Miliband seems slightly less of a cunt than the other leaders,' and 'I am tired of being bum raped by rich, white Conservatives.' A Labour spokesman said 'we are very happy with the progress made, but we are under no illusions, there is still work to do. Clearly we would prefer it if people saw us as a competent, likeable part instead of the slightly less shitty end of the stick that they do now.' Ed Miliband was unavailable for comment as he had a busy schedule of ineffective bumbling to do on results day.
Prime Minister David Cameron was very candid following the results apologizing for the losses: 'Maybe it was when I gave the poor a degrading facial through cutting benefits and making punitive taxes. Maybe it was when I tried to reform the NHS but listened to the comments of doctors less than a deaf man with Aspergers. Maybe it is just my smug, wankerish air. I don't know, I'm just sorry that for whatever reason the Tory Party does not connect with the common man.' Luckily for the Conservatives elderly and racist Daily Mail readers were able to escape their near constant state of rage for long enough to vote, giving the part at least some support.
The Liberal Democrats have returned to being the party that no-one gives a flying fuck about.