UnNews:Europe: UK wins top spot in drug-taking

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

10 November 2010

It's the best cocaine in the house, sir.

LONDON, United Kingdom -- Britons are celebrating that they are beating the rest of Europe when it comes to drug taking.

In a new report issued by the European Union Drugs Agency (EUDA), they claimed Great Britain had toppled Spain from the top slot when it came to cocaine abuse and were not far behind in all other harmful drugs. The report goes on to say that at least everyone in Britain between the ages of five and seventy five had been in contact with famous white powder. Unlike heroin which is associated with losers, at least in Britain it appears everyone has had a sniff in the last five years.

Undoubtedly the British are changing, said one cocaine abuser who wished to stay anonymous. Cocaine is as readily served as tea and cucumber sandwiches where I come from. There is no social stigma and in the music business, cocaine is regarded as more effective than any legal drugs that are about.

Though some are warning of the dangers, for many in British the fact that they are now top of Europe has come as a pleasant surprise. Some years ago the English were top of the Hooligan League but were recently displaced by Serbia. Now the news that cocaine is enjoying a boom in Britain will be good news for those involved in the import trade as 'mules' are becoming a lot cheaper with the increase in unemployment.

The news of Britain's top slot in the European Cocaine league was passed on to the Prime Minister David Cameron who is currently in China trying to persuade them to buy British imports. A Chinese official said that when Cameron got the news about Britain's cocaine use status, he 'went as white as pile of powder'. The diplomat also joked that the last time Britain had a healthy trade balance with his country was during the period of the Opium Wars.

The British Empire was founded on drugs. Opium then, cocaine now. Then they forced my country to take the stuff but now the boot is really on the other foot. Here we shoot people who do drugs. In England they elect them to power - and powder.

Sources

• Staff "Cocaine replaces tea for refreshment in Britain" The Guardian, November 10, 2010