UnNews:Dakota Pipeline cries petroleum tears
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
DAKOTA, USA -- An oil Pipeline in North Dakota fell into an inconsolable depression after the Army Corps of Engineers denied an easement necessary to keep America's black gold flowing.
A group of rabble rousing dry grass humpers had delayed construction on the pipeline near Standing Rock. Soon after, the Belle Fourche pipeline (a few hours North of the DAPL site) burst into tears, crying rivers of liquid petroleum. Engineers tried lifting the spirits of the pipeline with some dream pop and a Hot Cocoa, but the Belle Fourche pipeline resisted any attempts to assuage its deep, deep sadness.
"I'm hurting so bad, but I don't know how to make the pain go away," said the crying pipeline, presumably. "Why can't they see me for who I am? I'm better than my accidents!"
As of Monday, the Belle Fourche pipeline has leaked over 150,000 gallons of oil. Sadly, there's no Gulf of Mexico to wash away the tears caused by the Standing Rock "water protectors."
"It is a sad irony that a group of liberal hatemongers can call themselves the 'water protectors' yet object to getting sprayed by the very substance they're trying to protect!" says one alt-right comedian. "Fuck you, it was funny to me."
So far, Trump has promised to "resolve the issue very bigly, so bigly it'll make your eyebrows cry." The President-elect has also released an official statement, via Twitter.
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| "Water protectors" ACTUALLY just vegan masochists who can only cum thru BRUTAL police violence - sick in the head! | ||||
| 5:54 PM - 12 Dec 2016 | ||||
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Not even that new Damien Chazelle movie could get the Belle Fourche pipeline to stop its greasy sobbing. Top science people say that resuming construction on DAPL is the only way to end the Belle Fourche's pipeline's sebaceous melancholy. Sadly, oil-slick birds will have to wait weeks before Trump can reverse the "water protector's" emotional pollution. Shame on them.
"The science is clear on this: the only way to stop the tears is by laying some pipe," says Kelcy Warren, CEO of Energy Transfers Partners.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Michael McLaughlin "North Dakota Oil Pipeline Spills An Estimated 176,000 Gallons" Huffington Post, 12 December 2016